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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27405082">Don’t Lose your Head</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karl_writes_sometimes/pseuds/Karl_writes_sometimes'>Karl_writes_sometimes</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Team Fortress 2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Anorexia, Decapitation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Established Relationship, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Abuse, Period-Typical Homophobia, Schizophrenia, Slow Burn, Trauma</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 21:34:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>28,369</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27405082</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karl_writes_sometimes/pseuds/Karl_writes_sometimes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Red Medic decapiates and steals Blu Heavy’s head and now everyone  has to deal with the repercussions.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Engineer/Medic (Team Fortress 2), Heavy/Medic (Team Fortress 2), Sniper/Spy (Team Fortress 2)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>69</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>94</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. A Brilliant and Terrible Idea</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The Red Medic had always been somewhat aloof, but this new idea he had was something else. He was awake in the late hours of the night which was a common occurrence for the workaholic, he was sketching and taking notes when it came across his mind. Originally he had been planning to upgrade his medigun until he thought if the medigun could keep someone alive while their heart was removed then he could surely take more away from the subject with a similar device. A crazed grin spread across his face, he had always been one to test the boundaries so he wouldn’t only take a few mere organs, no he would separate the entire head while keeping the body and the mind alive separately.</p><p>The only problem was finding the perfect candidate, no one in his team would agree and it would be much more difficult to keep anyone’s disappearance underwraps without asking for their Spy’s help and he would rather cut off his own head than ask that overly confident backstabber for anything. Even if he did use a teammate regardless of the Spy they would most likely come to resent him even more than they already did. On the bright side he did have an entire other team to choose from, it only came down to who. He was first tempted to take the Blu Spy a perfect candidate to inflict pain on, but he thought better of it, being stuck with someone that annoying for an unknown amount of time could drive him past his regular insanity and besides his goal wasn’t to harm the subject in particular, it was to test a theory. He needed someone who he could stand, someone he wouldn’t be too keen on causing harm, and especially he wanted a challenge. The person came to mind quickly after that, he chuckled a little and got to work on the mechanism he had envisioned in his moment of inspiration. </p><p>The Medic worked throughout the entire night well aware of the fact he was needed for battle, his own exhaustion wasn’t something enough coffee couldn’t fix. He did keep his ramblings on a lower volume and tried not to speak as frequently as he did during the day. One might find it easy to believe he did it not to disturb his team members or get their attention, instead he did it for his flock of doves who were roosting peacefully in the rafters above him. As the night wore on he could feel himself becoming exhausted, but it was too late now or too early according to the clock for him to go to bed. Finally as dawn was approaching he completed it, it was almost like a pedestal with some cords attached, however it was so much more. A chuckle escaped him because of his pride of the accomplishment he made in such a short amount of time. Archimedes heard this and began to rouse before flying down to him so he could perch on his shoulder. Ludwig grinned and patted his dove affectionately, no matter how heartless his plan was his soft spot for the little bird would always remain. </p><p>“You must be hungry mein täubchen, do you vant breakfast?” He smiled as he stroked the dove’s back who cooed excitedly. He chuckled and went to the cabinet that contained bird seed, it was the most sanitary place in the entire lab, he would rather risk the health of any patient than his birds as well as the fact he never made time to deep clean his lab since he always had a new project to work on. The moment he took out the bag the rest of the flock rose and eagerly surrounded him as he filled the tray. When he stepped away they all pounced to eat while he took a handful of seed and stepped away allowing Archemides to eat from his hand. He was well aware he spoiled the bird rotten, but he didn’t care, he loved Archimedes more than anything. </p><p>He let his precious dove eat his fill as he felt his own stomach rumble and shook his head, he always told himself he never needed much all he really wanted was coffee. When Archimedes finished and went back to the comfortable perch that was Ludwig’s shoulder he slipped the uneaten seed into the tray which was immediately devoured by the ravenous doves. He watched them eat with a fond smile before leaving to get himself some coffee, not minding the dove on his shoulder figuring it was too early for anyone else except possibly the Engineer to be awake and he was too tired to give much a second thought besides his need for caffeine. </p><p>Apparently his prediction was right about Engie who was making breakfast which looked too big for just himself to eat. Then he realized that his teammate was planning to share, it was kind of him, but Ludwig did not want to eat any of it, completely aware of how unhealthy it was. However there was a full coffee pot that had been made as well so that was a relief.</p><p>A welcoming grin spread across Dell’s face when he saw Medic enter, “Morning pardner I made some biscuits, eggs, and bacon. Would you care to have some with me, it’s always nice to have some company at this hour.” </p><p>Medic returned a slight smile, out of all his teammates he found the Engineer the most pleasant to be around so he would let him down slowly, “Ja I agree apout zhe company, however I am not all too hungry I already ate earlier. I apologise it zeems you vorked very hard on zhis meal.” The lie rolled off his tongue without a hint that he had something to hide, that of course being his grumbling stomach, “I do need some coffee to properly start my day zhough.” He turned to the pot and poured some coffee in a mug. He had to resist his urges to dump all of the creamer and sugar around into it and instead used a tad bit of milk to lessen the intensity of the caffeinated beverage.</p><p>“Yeah I understand.” Dell couldn’t stop himself from sounding slightly disappointed, he always loved sharing his cooking with others, still he wouldn’t let it bother him too much, the doc had pulled this many times before and usually found a way to avoid his meals. </p><p>“Don’t take it personally,” He said cheerily as he made his way to a table and took a seat, “I am still up for conversation.” Archemides snuggled closer to his neck and cooed quietly. </p><p>To the Engineer he sounded rather eager, it wasn’t hard to put two and two together. He chuckled and made himself a plate before sitting beside him, “Let me guess, you stayed up all night and made a new discovery or invention of some sort.”</p><p>The Medic took a gulp of coffee before answering excitedly, “Ja! It was rather simple, however I am not even half vay done.”</p><p>He shook his head and smiled, “Why don’t ya tell me what it’s all about, you seem very tickled about this new experiment.” He took a bite of bacon.</p><p>“Not yet, I zhink I vant to be cryptic about zhis until I am sure it vorks.” He chuckled and drank some more coffee, trying to ignore the plate of delicious food. </p><p>“Alrighty then.” Dell shrugged before resuming eating, figuring that the doc was planning something that the team wouldn’t agree with, but he didn’t care that much because he had never been bothered by their Medic and probably never would be, however his counterpart was a different story, but that’s a story for another day. </p><p>The two continued to converse about other projects they’ve been working on and happenings around the base, nothing too dramatic. Over time other teammates drifted in the area, most of them seeking a meal before battle. To Medic’s annoyance the Scout decided to sit beside him while talking to a hungover Demoman which was a least favorite combination. Soon he was fed up with it so he decided to excuse himself before he lost his temper.</p><p>Once he was out of ear shot he began muttering complaints to his dove, “Can you believe zhe lack of manners some of zhese mercenaries have, Archimedes? Ve are supposed to be zhe best in zhe world I vish they vould act like it.” His commotion was quiet, but it was still a commotion that could attract unwanted attention.</p><p>“I agree,” The sound of someone decloaking echoed around the empty hall, “Some of them do have problems with their manners.”</p><p>The Medic grimaced and kept walking forward, the Spy wasn’t worthy of his time, “Go avay, I cannot deal vith another annoyance today, I am very busy.” Archimedes squawked seemingly in agreement with his owner.</p><p>Spy shuddered a little when remembering the time he tried to enter Medic’s lab and nearly got pecked to death by the foul birds, still he was able to quickly regain his composure, “Ah yes you have a new project that you want to keep a secret, why is that?” His voice had a hint of intrigue in it, his curiosity was outweighed his fear for the most part.</p><p>“Zhat is none of your business- vait!” He finally turned around and gave Spy an intense stare, “Have you been lurking around me all morning?”</p><p>“Yes, ever since you left your lab.” An edge of arrogance laced his voice which only made the Medic’s blood boil.</p><p>“Zhere is no need to spy on me, ve are on zhe same team for heaven’s sake!” Anger bloomed inside of his chest, this was completely unnecessary and no one hated wasting time and their privacy being invaded more than himself.</p><p>Spy saw he was getting on his nerves and he reveled in it as his expression seemed to become more arrogant, “Then why are you being so secretive about this, mon amie?”</p><p>“I am not your friend and I do not owe you or anyone on zhis team an explanation for anyzhing I do off zhe battlefield.” He said coldly as he tried his best to take control of his temper.</p><p>He sighed in annoyance until a slightly concerned look came across his face, usually the Medic couldn’t stop talking about he was going to do experiment wise and it alway gave him a good idea on how to avoid becoming an unwanted test subject, however this time his lips were sealed which was in its own was truly horrifying.</p><p>Medic finally saw through his mask of arrogance and realized what this was really about, he shook his head and rolled his eyes, “Zhis experiment has nothzhing to do vith you, rest assured no one on zhis team vill be on my table.” He then turned around and continued his walk back to his lab to continue his preparations for the battle ahead.</p><p>Spy watched him go and felt slightly more at ease, however the question lingered. If it wasn't going to be anyone on the team, then who will it be?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. An Average Day</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Mikhail was the Blu team’s Heavy and to many he was considered a brainless brute who only wanted to shoot people with his gun or crush anyone who was unfortunate enough to get in his way which when he was on the battlefield was true, but not at all when he was away from all the fighting. In his free time he loved to read and write, yet he never shared any of his personal works because he was always too critical of himself so usually they would end up thrown away or put somewhere hidden so they could never be read by others like this one right now.</p><p>He sighed and set his latest poem in a drawer with a sigh and closed it before getting ready for the day while internally scolding himself for his writing not being good enough in his own eyes. It was a good thing there was going to be a battle today, few things felt as amazing as releasing his inner frustrations with his fists or his minigun. He grinned at the thought of it as he made his way to the common area to find something to eat.</p><p>Breakfast was normal and boring as usual, eating his sandvich while observing the others, just the way he liked it. The Medic and Engineer were whispering and giggling like school girls with their new “secret” which they thought was only between themselves, while in reality everyone with a brain cell (which honestly was less team members than expected) knew about their far from professional relationship. So that was the most dramatic thing happening and honestly the Heavy could care less.</p><p>“Gentleman,” The Spy’s voice inputted the chatter as Mikhail finished eating, “And ladies.” He added as he gave the Engineer and Medic a judgemental glace which made the Medic go very quiet and flushed while a few other mercenaries chuckled underneath their breath causing Engineer to nearly explode with rage before Medic set his hand on his shoulder to calm him. Although if looks could kill Spy would most certainly be dead, Mikhail found it slightly amusing that for being such a small man the Engineer could contain so much rage and apparently he showed it.</p><p>“What are you lookin at, fat man?” He barked at him, still very upset about being insulted.</p><p>“Nothing.” Mikhail avoided eye contact wanting nothing more than this exchange to end.</p><p>The Engineer looked even more enraged that he wasn’t given anything to valid fight about and before he was able to get out another word the Spy continued his little speech, “As you all know we have a battle today…”</p><p>Mikhail stopped paying attention after that, he always said the same things everytime and all he had to do on the battlefield was strategize based on his opponents positions and shoot at any man in Red that moved. </p><p>Spy wrapped up his speech when he saw the time for battle was approaching and none of them had properly prepared beside himself. “What are you waiting for? Get yourselves ready!” He snapped and sent them all out of their bored daze and into action.</p><p>Mikhail simply went to retrieve his minigun while the others retrieved their equipment of varying levels of complexity. With a sigh he remembered that he had left the gun with the Engineer for some minor repairs and improvements so he walked somewhat reluctantly to his workshop and was met with a not so surprising conversation.</p><p>“Can you believe the nerve of those idiots!” Engie growled as he tampered with some device while still believing it was only Medic listening.</p><p>The Medic sat on a countertop with his medigun and other equipment sat beside him, calmly waiting for his turn to speak although his eyes revealed that he was very troubled, “Ja I can, now, Charles zhere is no need to let zhem bother you, as you said yourself zhey are idiots and you shouldn’t be working yourself up before battle, you’ll become even more upset outzhere and vith your condition you could-” Suddenly he stopped looking out the door before shrugging, “Come inside Heavy your minigun has been repaired and upgraded.”</p><p>Mikhail jumped a little, he hadn’t expected to be called out like that especially due to the Medic’s poor eyesight. He quickly collected himself before walking in and pretending that he hadn’t heard any of their conversation, “Thank you.” He murmured as he went to collect his gun.</p><p>Charles grunted, not even looking up to acknowledge him as he tampered with a project he was still working on.</p><p>“Oh stop it, if anyzhing he was the most polite to us earlier, he only stared at you for a moment.” </p><p>“I don’t care! Everyone here is against us and you know it.” He snapped back finally looking over at Medic, even though he wore goggles the rage seemed to radiate from his eyes.</p><p>Mikhail couldn’t stop himself, the small man being so angry was too amusing so he began to chuckle.</p><p>“What the hell is your problem!?” He snapped over at Heavy.</p><p>“Nothing…” He stopped laughing, still he had a grin on his face, “Is so tiny to be so angry.”</p><p>“You have a point about zhat.” Medic remarked with a brighter look on his face.</p><p>“So now you have a problem with my size?” Engie snapped at the two of them as his cheeks became bright red.</p><p>“No, is not problem.”</p><p>“Then why are you laughing?” He kept trying to find an argument, determined to continue his bad mood.</p><p>Before Mikhail could form a response he was interrupted by Medic who got up and spoke as he collected his equipment, “Because it is quite hilarious vhen you are angry due to your shortness especially through his eyes since he is the tallest and largest member on our team, now could you please stop zhis, it’s becoming very exhausting.” Once he finished his little lecture he left the room and was quickly followed by an apologetic Engineer. </p><p>He chuckled to himself while he picked up his minigun and followed further behind them, he felt ready for a battle that he believed was not going to be out of the ordinary.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ah yes the battle will be completely ordinary. Nothing to see here folks.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Stolen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>In which Medic goes yoink</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ludwig had been waiting for his opportunity the entire battle and his opportunities kept slipping through his fingers. He needed to get the Blu Heavy completely alone and he would have to do it quickly. He had everything he needed, he just needed the right time, he finally came to the conclusion that he would strike right after battle. The Heavy was slower than everyone else and no one ever waited for him which was a little depressing in any other situation than this. </p><p>Finally he had his chance, he dropped his medigun and ran in the opposite direction of his team, not that they cared anyway. He was breathing hard when he made it nearly across the battlefield when he saw him. He had never been so happy to see an enemy in his life, quickly he slowed his pace to be more quiet, but he knew the Heavy’s hearing was much worse than most because of his use of loud weaponry. Slowly the Medic retrieved a syringe filled with a substance that would make his task much easier before he with one last burst of strength and speed rushed behind the Heavy and plunged the syringe into his neck. </p><p>Mikhail quickly turned to see a Medic had attacked him and he was so startled he dropped his minigun, but swiftly swung his fist at him. The Medic ducked down and managed to avoid blow after blow until he finally received a forceful punch to the chest. He choked and sputtered as the wind was knocked out of him, but he could see that the injection was working. The dullness in the Heavy’s eyes and the slowness of his movements continued to increase until finally he passed out and fell to the ground. </p><p>Ludwig’s face cracked into a small grin, finally he was making progress, exciting progress. He staggered to his feet before he retrieved his bonesaw and paused for a few minutes to observe the Heavy’s figure. He hadn’t seen the Blu one up close before so naturally he was curious.</p><p>He was a husky powerful man, that much was obvious even from far away, but he never had the chance to look at the details. The small creases on his face from age, the dark circles under his eyes that indicated many sleepless nights, the stubble that covered the lower half of his face, and the odd appearance of delicate gentleness that he now possessed in his unconsciousness. It was all very captivating for Ludwig so he nearly forgot about what he was doing.</p><p>Suddenly he snapped himself back into reality, retrieved his bone saw, and quickly got to work on removing the head. After some time he attached the head to the mechanism that should keep him alive separately from his body. He held his unconscious creation up in his hands and stood up with eagerness.</p><p>His grin expanded into a huge wide smile that evolved into triumphant laughter. This was one of greatest accomplishments so he wanted to revel in the moment for a few seconds before he quickly shut himself up, he didn’t want to get ahead of himself since this still might fail and someone could still be nearby and hear him. He set the head in his pack and rushed back to base, leaving the body unattended. He knew someone on their team would notice his disappearance and come for it.</p><p>As he power walked through the desert he felt something odd in his chest, it felt strange and slightly painful, remorse? No that could not be it, he hadn’t felt that way in so long, not since he thought doing no harm was a good idea. He scoffed at himself and continued to march forward, ignoring his feelings to the best of his ability which wasn’t too hard for him as he had been doing that for years.</p><p>It was just becoming noon as he made it back to base, he breathed deeply and rapidly as sweat dripped down his face, even his glasses were fogging up. He couldn’t wait to be inside his cool lab where he could rest. He was also concerned about how his experiment was fairing in the heat, he assumed better than himself since he was protected from the sun, was unconscious, and wasn’t the one walking carrying a substantial amount of equipment on his back.</p><p>The moment he stepped inside he felt the cool air wash over him, he took a deep breath and enjoyed it until he smelled cigarette smoke. He grumbled as he stood up straighter, raising his guard.<br/>
“I know you are here dummkopf! Zhere is no need to hide.”  </p><p>Their Spy uncloaked in front of him, his illusion of confidence would have fooled anyone except the Medic, “You do understand if she finds out about this the consequences will be severe.”</p><p>“I only told you to come out, if anyzhing it will be you facing consequences for stalking me.”</p><p>“Stop pretending I know what you did to the Heavy I saw you!”</p><p>Medic cringed when he raised his voice, not of the fear of him, but of other hearing, “Be quiet dummkopf. Do you vant zhe whole base to know?”</p><p>“Oui, the better it will be for all of us if we return the head as soon as possible. Do you know what is going to happen if this continues any longer?”</p><p>“Ja I do, as long as no one ruins my experiment Jeremy will be none the wiser about zhe identity of his father.” He snapped back with a devious smile.</p><p>“How did you-”</p><p>“You zhink I vouldn’t study my teammates DNA vhen I have had every opportunity to do so?”</p><p>“I- n-non… mon dieu.” The reality of this precarious situation truly began to sink in after the initial shock, of course he should have thought about the Medic having something to use against him.</p><p>“Yes, yes it must shock you zhat my head isn’t alvays in zhe clouds as it would appear. Now vhat are you going to do? I am very curious.” The Medic had always been taller than the Spy, but now he looked as if he towered over the Frenchman. His glasses were reflecting so much light his eyes were no longer visible and an unnaturally large smile split across his face. It was truly a menacing sight.</p><p>Spy froze, his mind racing and his heart pounding, but the answer came to him quickly, “As long as Jeremy knows nothing, no one will find out about your project from me.”</p><p> “Excellent! Now if you excuse me I have much work to do.” He stated as he quickly sidestepped the Spy and made his way to his lab.</p><p>“I am sure you do.” Spy whispered to himself before dissolving into invisibility like smoke from his cigarette.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Honey you got a big storm coming</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Maybe I should be more Assertive</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Science Party lovers come and get your food</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The workshop was quiet, too quiet for Heinz’s liking, especially with his partner in such a bad mood.</p><p>“Zhat vas a very productive day, don’t you think?” The Blu Medic piped up in an attempt to get his Engie to stop wallowing around.</p><p>“We lost.” He huffed as he continued to tinker with some sort of small mechanical device, it almost seemed like he was forming a habit every time he was frustrated.</p><p>“Vell I zhink it helped vith team building-”</p><p>“Team building my ass! The only thing all those no good idiots are good for is making fun of us and killing.”</p><p>Heinz sighed and shook his head, they had only been together for little more than two months and they were already arguing like a bitter old married couple. “You and I both know zhat isn’t true, Mikhail is decent and I’m sure zhe others have some redeeming qualities… I know you zhink zhey are wrong for casting judgement on us, however zhey-”</p><p>“There is no however-”</p><p>“Let me finish!” Heinz snapped and was happy to hear only stunned silence in response, “As I vas saying, zhey most likely haven’t encountered a relationship like ours and if zhey have it has only been cast in a negative light. Zhis is vhy we need to be patient vith our teammates, if we show zhem zhat ve are no different from them except in our romantic preferences I am sure zhey will come around.”</p><p>Charles waited a few more seconds to respond than usual to make sure his partner had finished and only spoke once he had carefully digested the words. Instead of using a tone of anger he was very kind and earnest with his words, “I know you think that, but what happens if they never learn and they keep walking all over us, all over you. I know you don’t want that, Honey. You care too much about what they say, it will eat you alive if there isn’t a stop to it.”</p><p>He looked down at his boots that had been caked with dirt which he had been neglecting to clean. It was better to look at them than at Charles, he couldn’t stand to stare at the truth, “I vill be alright, I alvays am.”</p><p>“No you’re not,” He reached for Heinz’s hand and held it in his own, rubbing his thumb over his knuckles, “You don’t have to lie to me anymore, you can be mad or sad or whatever feeling that comes from that big heart of yours.”</p><p>    Heinz took off his glasses with his free hand and set them down before wiping away his forming tears, “Danke.”</p><p>    He promptly took his Medic into his arms, “There’s nothing to thank me for, nothing at all.” </p><p>    Heinz nodded while taking a shaky breath and wrapped his arms around his Engie, resting his head on his shoulder. He smelled of blood, sweat, machinery, and of course dirt, an awful case of in desperate need of a shower, but he didn’t care right now. The only thing Heinz wanted was to hold onto Charles and forget about everything else, still he couldn’t keep himself opened up for long. It never settled right with him, always thinking he was overreacting or being too sensitive even when he had only shed a few tears. He pulled himself back together and let go of Charles, “Thank you I am feeling much better… You should probably take a shower.”</p><p>    “Only if you take one with me.” He laughed and nudged his side with his elbow.</p><p>    Heinz’s face flushed bright red, but tried to stay composed, “You can’t shower by yourself now? Vhat’s next, bathing you?”</p><p>    “I didn’t think of that, thanks for the excellent idea.”</p><p>    His face only became redder with embarrassment, “Nein! It’s a terrible idea.”</p><p>    “Then do you have any other good ideas, genius?” He said with a raised eyebrow.</p><p>    “I-I-,” He chuckled nervously as he searched his brain for something to get him out of this, “I know!”</p><p>    “What do you know, Honey?” He leaned in closer with a sly grin on his face.</p><p>“You should apologize to Mikhail for your behavior earlier.” </p><p>    Charles blinked as his disappointment caught up with him, “That’s not very romantic.”</p><p>    “It’s not supposed to be, besides how could I do anything with someone who is so cruel and hasn’t even tried to make up for it.” He used his sad eyes and pouty face to advantage. </p><p>    Engie let out a long winded sigh, there was no point in arguing with Heinz or trying to force something in their relationship this soon, “Alright I’ll go tell him I’m sorry for how I acted. Will that make you happy?”</p><p>“Ja!” He nodded approvingly and sent him on his way, although he could be heard murmuring something along the lines of trying to make himself more assertive.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. What Remains</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Charles walked across the base to Mikhail’s room, thinking it was the best place to look for him. He knocked on the door and was greeted with silence. “Must not be here.” He mumbled before walking to the weight room, well it wasn’t really a proper weight room, it only had a few large dumbells and some metal bars. To his disappointment there was only Soldier and Demo, no sign of Heavy anywhere.</p><p>    “Aye! Engie, have ya come to get strong for ya new friend.” Demo said with a sly grin which provoked a chuckle from Soldier.</p><p>    Charles took a deep breath to calm himself before he said anything and kept thinking about what Heinz would do, “No I was looking for Heavy, have either of you seen him around?”</p><p>    “No. We have not seen him since battle.” Soldier replied.</p><p>    “He could be outside somewhere, he’ll sit out there for bloody hours. Execpt he usually does that late in the day.” Demo shrugged and went back to lifting.</p><p>    “Alrighty then… I’ll  go check anyway. If y’all see him could you tell him I was lookin for him?” </p><p>    “Sure thing lad.” Demo said, clearly not paying much attention.</p><p>    Engie sighed as he left the room, Demo probably wouldn’t remember even if he tried, maybe Soldier would, but he wouldn’t count on it. He squinted as he went outside, it was past noon, but the intensity of the sun persisted. It was hard to believe the massive Russian would willingly be outside in heat like this. He scanned the area around the base and found no sign of the Heavy which was becoming annoying and slightly concerning. Until he saw a large crumpled figure in the distance. Was Heavy lying down… no that couldn’t be right. </p><p>Charles scampered over, a sense of dread weighed on him and when he was close enough to see exactly what happened to his teammate. His head had been cleanly severed from his neck and was nowhere to be seen. Blood pooled around him tainting the desert into a deep crimson. This didn’t make sense, respawn should have picked him up by now, he shuttered to imagine if the life saving mechanism stopped working. Still the most important thing currently was Mikhail and he knew exactly where to go.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I’m sure he’s fine</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. You Wish it was only a Nightmare</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ludwig was relieved to finally remove all his equipment in his lab, his back popped and cracked from the sudden release of all the strain. He lifted his little experiment from the pack, happy to see he was still intact (well not really) and unconscious. It would have been horrifyingly claustrophobic if he had woken up in there. No. It didn’t matter where he woke up, it just would have been inconvenient if he started screaming or attempting to move in the middle of his conversation with Spy.</p><p>    Archimedes chirped as a greeting and landed on his shoulder, seemingly curious of what Ludwig was doing.</p><p>    He set the head down on a counter and picked up his dove happily, “I have been very busy today, Archimedes and I most likely vill be busy in the near future. I do apologize for zhe lack of quality time we will be spending together.”</p><p>    The dove cooed and cuddled up to his hand, pleading for his attention. </p><p>There were many things that this Medic could say no to, but this was the one request that Ludwig could never deny. He sighed and took off a glove in order to properly pet his bird, “I suppose zhat a little quality time vouldn’t hurt, but I need to take notes shortly.”  </p><p>Archimedes cooed happily with fluffed out feathers, being completely adorable. It was no wonder why Ludwig decided this bird was his best friend. He was never judged, questioned, ignored, or hurt by the dove unlike how most people had treated him. Being a mercenary did help with most of the problems he faced in his past, still they haunted him and he never had the closeness with others he truly wanted. The only things that ever gave him peace were his precious birds, especially Archimedes, or an experiment. </p><p>The momentary bliss of being with his dove was interrupted however by a voice which was surprising to hear this soon, but it wasn’t necessarily unwanted.</p><p>“Doktor, I had strangest dream that I-” Mikhail stopped mid sentence, this medbay was similar to his base’s, but it wasn’t the same and he felt odd, well actually he felt nothing below his neck. He looked down and to his horror there was no body below him, only a desk. His breathing came quickly, if it could even be called breathing at all with no lungs. He looked back up to see a figure towering over him.      </p><p>    The Red Medic swiftly set Archimedes on his shoulder and regloved his hand, light glinted off his glasses as a maniacal grin came across his face. He ducked down to be at eye level with Heavy and spoke with a creepy level of enthusiasm, “Please continue, I alvays love to hear about zhe dreams of others, especially particularly odd ones.”</p><p>    Mikhail couldn’t even speak; he was so afraid, the Red Medic had always unnerved him by their brief encounters on the battlefield alone, but this was too much. He finally responded by shrieking with horror.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Damn no wonder his only friends are birds</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Oh No it’s all Coming Together</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A looooooooonnnnnnnnggggggggg chapter</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Charles came to Heinz in a near panic, blurting out words so quickly and with such a stutter they were impossible to understand.</p><p>    “Slow down, Charles. I can’t understand a vord you are saying.” His voice was filled with concern as held onto Charles’s shoulders to keep him grounded.</p><p>    “Mik-mikhail w-was d-d-dead!” He managed to choke out despite his anxiety.</p><p>    “Zhat’s impossible. I saw him as zhe battle was ending and even if somezhing happened to him zhe respawn-”</p><p>    “I S-SAW HI-HIM!” He yelled as he trembled, he needed Heinz to believe him.</p><p>    “Alvight,” Heinz said as soothingly as possible and rubbed his shoulders lightly, “I believe you, now can you take me zhere so I can see for myself?” He was very skeptical of everything Charles was saying due to his condition, but he would play along to keep his partner from going completely off the deep end and just in case what he was saying actually happened.</p><p>    ‘Y-yeah.” He caught his breath as his shoulders relaxed with each motion of Heinz’s hands.</p><p>    “Vell let's not vaist any time, lead zhe way, schatz.” He released Charles and nudged him toward the door.<br/>
He did as he was told, but also reached for his partner’s hand as he shakily led them out of the base. On the way they did run into Sniper and Scout who were understandably confused and concerned.</p><p>“What happened to him?” Scout piped up when he saw the rattled Engineer.</p><p>“He zhinks he saw somezhing.” Medic replied in a hushed tone that was still heard by Charles.</p><p>“I know I-I saw it!” He snapped and tugged Heinz forward.</p><p>“Mind if we come along?” Sniper mumbled, he was always curious about the happenings around the base, even if this one could be a false alarm. </p><p>“I don’t see vhy not.” He said as he was half walking and half being dragged forward.</p><p>Sniper grinned and followed a few paces behind the pair with a Scout who was not very pleased to say the least.</p><p>“Why the hell would ya do this to me?” He half whispered, trying and failing to stay out of earshot of the incredibly attentive Medic, “We’re stuck with wakos now!”</p><p>“Never said you had to come, mate.” Sniper actually whispered.</p><p>“Yeah I do, I’d be bored if I didn’t.” Scout crossed his arms with a sour expression.</p><p>Sniper nodded with a slight amount of triumph in his steps, he had no idea what was to come when they exited the base.</p><p>Heinz squinted when the sun hit his eyes that needed to adjust from being in the artificial lights of the base. When they did he was able to take in the scenery of the desert. Sunset was approaching, causing the shadows they casted to stretch further behind them as the group tramped through the desert. He felt his partner grow more tense and looked up to see a large lump not too far in the distance. Creeping dread made its way through the Medic as they were close enough to see that Charles had not been seeing things. </p><p>The doctor couldn’t take it anymore, he let go of Engie’s hand before running ahead of the group to assess the damage. He could have easily passed this off for a respawn malfunction, however it was more than that, especially because of the decapitation and that the head was nowhere to be found. The body was dead, it had no pulse and the desert heat was causing it to rot, it needed to be preserved as soon as possible.</p><p>When the three other men showed up behind him swiftly turned around, “Scout, alert the ozhers and bring zhem here. Zhe two of you stay vith me and help me carry him.” His usually quiet voice had taken on a level of seriousness and authority that it rarely possesed, snapping the others into action.</p><p>“Gotcha Doc.” Scout sped off, partly because of his new found respect for their Medic and since he had no desire to carry a rotting corpse through the desert.</p><p>“Both of you on zhe other side, I can support half of him by myself.”</p><p>Despite his command the two stayed still, Sniper usually stayed in his perch away from most of the gore and Engineer let his sentries take care of most of the killing from far away. Needless to say, neither of them did not want to pick up a giant rotting body, especially Charles in his shaken state.</p><p>“Vhat are you vaiting for?” He snapped in his impatience, already bending down to lift the corpse.</p><p>Sniper reluctantly came to his senses and kneeled down, but Charles stood frozen with fear and disgust.</p><p>“I-I’m not to-touching it.” He whimpered.</p><p>Heinz sighed, removed one of his gloves to hand to his Engie, “Zhere, now you von’t have to touch him.”</p><p>Charles gulped and gloved his non robotic hand, the warmth and dampness from his Medic wearing it remained, bringing him slight comfort. He bent down and shoved his hands underneath the body, he could barely look at it, the smell was making him nauseous. </p><p>“Lift on drie. Eins zwei drei.” Heinz demanded and did so with help. Undeniably he was a very powerful man, his muscular arms boasted proudly through his thick uniform, carrying his half of the Heavy with relative ease. </p><p>The other two did have strength, but compared to the Medic it could be interpreted as weakness. Engineer had his robotic arm which proved very effective at carrying the weight, but his other arm possessed more fat than it did muscle. Sniper was already breaking a sweat that had nothing to do with the heat. His scrawny arms trembled with the strain and his legs were threatening to buckle underneath him. </p><p>When they had made it nearly half way there, Sniper and Engie looked as though they were about to pass out, and even Medic was fatigued, help finally arrived. Demo, Solly, Pyro, and a very reluctant Scout carried the body the rest of the way to the Medbay. </p><p>“That bozo Spy disappeared the moment I told him!” Scout complained, upset that he still had to carry a corpse.</p><p>“He vas most likely doing somezhing important.” Heinz spoke between panting, “And besides ve are almost zhere.”</p><p>They were relieved to make it to their destination and dropped the body on an operating table with a thump, each of them were exhausted. Medic kept his vigor and began working to preserve what remained of Mikhail with multiple injections and used other medical devices to preserve it.</p><p> The rest of them were left to what they pleased, Demo and Solly left, Sniper and Scout stayed around while keeping a good distance from Medic, and Pyro was left with a mentally disturbed Engineer. However they were not left alone to deal with the situation themselves, there was a furry friend to help them. </p><p>Harry, Heinz’s white fluffy cat trotted over to the Engie he had become so fond of, lightly pawing at his shaky legs. Charles flinched almost causing the animal to run off, but Pyro coaxed the cat into a more relaxed state and picked him off the ground. </p><p>Pyro nudged Engie’s shoulder to get his attention, he wasn’t as jumpy as he was moments ago.</p><p>“Wh-what do you want?”</p><p>Pyro held out Harry who mewed sweetly at him.</p><p>Charles removed the blue rubber glove and took the cat into his arms,“Thank y-you.” He said to Pyro while he pet his fluffy companion. </p><p>They gave Engie a thumbs up and occasionally stroked Harry’s fluffy fur even with their gloves on. </p><p>“Zhere!” Heinz’s voice broke through the uneasy quietness, “Now if zhe rest of you could help me carry him to zhe freezer zhat vould be appreciated.”</p><p>Pyro patted Engie on the back before going to help lift the body with Medic, Sniper, and Scout. After one final shove they managed to close the large freezer door.</p><p>“Vell it’s a good zhing I vas able to use the whole capacity of zhat zhing.” Heinz kept his enthusiasm despite the situation. </p><p>“D-do you th-think we should check t-the respawn now?” Charles asked, he was still very on edge about everything. Harry also seemed very on edge, but that was for an entirely different reason.</p><p>“There is no need.” Spy materialized behind Engie and nearly scared the life out of him, “Stop it, you’re not the one who’s been decapitated.” He said while poking Charles’s chest causing the cat to hiss.</p><p>“Herr Spy, I am only going to say zhis once,” The Medic’s voice darkened as he stalked towards him, “I have had a very bad day zhat has started vith your insults and has ended vith zhis new inconvenience.” He motioned to the freezer, “Zhe last zhing I need is your unpleasant attitude to me or my friend, so if you have any care for zhe fingers on your hands you vill say vhat you need to say about zhe respawn politely now.”</p><p>Spy took a step away from Medic and cleared his throat, “I assessed the respawn after I heard the news from Scout,”</p><p>“He just didn’t want to get his hands dirty.” The younger man attempted to be quiet, but everyone heard his complaint.</p><p>“And it’s not damaged in the slightest.” Spy sighed and lit a cigarette.</p><p>“What do y-you know about m-machines?” Charles piped up, sounding slightly offended. The cat in his arms growled at Spy. </p><p>“I know much more than you would think, you would notice if you paid attention to the world around you.” He smirked condescendly, happy that he shut up the Engineer until his arm was jerked backwards, his pinkie finger gripped onto, and then a snap echoed through his body, a lit cigarette fell to the floor. He yelled as he jerked his hands backward and glared hatefully at his attacker.</p><p>“You didn’t zhink I vas serious, dummkopf.” Heinz growled darkly as he took his medigun and healed it.</p><p>“Oh shit.” Scout commented.</p><p>“What the hell is wrong with you?” Spy snapped at him the moment his finger was healed.</p><p>“Vell I kill people and break hands, zhat’s two zhings.” A small triumphant smile tugged at his lips until he noticed Charles was staring at him. The poor man looked confused and worried, it pained the Medic to think he had made everything worse. </p><p>“This is not the time for messing around!” Spy took back his attention.</p><p>“Ja,” He responded wearily, “You’re right… thank you for your help.”</p><p>He scoffed, his change of tone made him even more annoyed, “What ever.” He hissed before disappearing from the room. </p><p>Sniper sighed in relief the moment he knew the Spook was gone, Scout even seemed to be more relaxed, but Charles still kept the same concerned look on his face. It wasn’t only the Spy who had made him this upset and Heinze knew it as he met his gaze.</p><p>“Do you need anything else Doc?” Sniper asked, already side stepping to the exit.</p><p>“Not at zhe moment, Danke Herr Sniper.” He replied without taking his gaze off Charles for a moment.</p><p>“No problem.” He left with Scout following right behind him. Although it seemed Pyro was refusing to leave, instead they kept a protective and watchful presence beside Engie.</p><p>“I’m sorry if I caused you stress, Liebe. It was not my intention.” He apologized truthfully.</p><p>“Yeah it's alright,” Charles sniffed and pet Harry to calm his nerves before turning to Pyro, “You can go now, I’ll be fine.” </p><p>They reluctantly nodded, leaving the two of them alone to stare at each other in relatively awkward silence. Neither of them knew what to do at this point and were very reluctant to make the first move. Charles had never seen this side of Heinz before, it was troubling for him, although the more he thought about it he realized the Medic had always been keen on avoiding him during battles. Heinz was also worried about making another move, fearing it could make his Engie more upset. Luckily Charles was the one who caved first.</p><p>“Thank you for getting Spy to leave me alone… he was making my head hurt.”</p><p>“I’m glad I vas of some help to you… I do apologize for becoming so upset zhough. I tend to take my anger out on Reds, however zhey von so quickly today I didn’t have much of a chance. Not to mention zhe whole headless Heavy situation.”</p><p>“I understand.” Charles nodded, he was no longer making eye contact with his partner. Instead he was only staring at the cat in his arms.</p><p>“Vell I for one am exhausted, you probably are too. I recommend you take some of your medicine before bed tonight just in case. You can even sleep vith Harry tonight, I don’t mind.” He said matter of fact and turned to his room which was connected to the lab. </p><p>“Heinz, wait.” Charles called out causing the Medic stop in his tracks, “Could I stay tonight?”</p><p>“Oh… Ja of course.” He smiled to himself as he promptly turned to a cabinet and grabbed a pill bottle, “Now you von’t even have to go to your room to get zhem.” He handed two antipsychotic pills to him and quickly got him a glass of water to wash them down.</p><p>After gulping them down he murmured,“Thank you,” to his lovely doctor.</p><p>“You are very welcome.” Heinz grinned while taking his hand to lead him to his bedroom all while Harry purred, happily curled up in Charles’s arms.</p><p>The moment they made it inside Charles set the cat down, removed his boots, and sprawled out across the neatly made bed. Heinz sighed with a chuckle and lifted the exhausted Engie up so he could pull down the covers to tuck him in. </p><p>“I have to take care of everyzhing around here.” Heinz murmured while he took off his boots, coat, and glasses, making his way underneath the covers. He pulled Charles to his body, feeling around his face and removed his goggles, haphazardly setting them on a nightstand. Harry happily curled up on top of his owner, purring the whole time.</p><p>“I thought you liked taking care of everything.” Engie teased despite the fact he was in heaven. Surrounded by soft covers and even softer warm arms.</p><p>“I did before today.” He grumbled back, he really should be working on fixing the problem in the freezer, but he felt completely exhausted. The Medic tended to be full of energy, however pent up frustration took it all out of him. </p><p>“Yeah about that…” He felt Heinz tense, “I’m not mad at you… I’m actually glad you stood up for me back there. I’m just surprised is all, you aren’t usually like that. At least from what I’ve seen.” </p><p>“I usually try to show you zhe best version of myself, Charles. You have been attempting to do the same vith me, however you are bad at keeping secrets. Especially due to zhe fact zhat I have all of your medical records.” </p><p>It was Charles’ turn to tense, even if he already knew that Heinz had access to the information talking about his schizophrenia always unnerved him, “I know you do.”</p><p>“Oh don’t be like zhat, zhere’s nozhing to be ashamed about. Especially vith me.” </p><p>“Yeah… So about those secrets you’ve been keeping from me?” He abruptly decided to change the subject and kept his tone lighter.</p><p>“It’s not much, a few broken hands here and zhere… zhe occasional murder, but vith repawn it doesn’t have zhe same affect. Of course zhe baboon hearts inside you all-”</p><p>“The what is inside me now?!” It was surprising, but the more he thought about it the more it made sense.</p><p>“A baboon heart… oh ja you were unconscious for zhat along vith zhe rest of zhe team and I forgot to tell you. Vell you know zhe ubercharge, vell zhe normal human heart cannot vithstand zhe voltage and although my counterpart is a genius he never plays fair so I had to steal zhe plans...” He trailed off as everything fell into place, “Mein gott!” He shot straight up which scared Harry who had been peacefully curled up on top of him.</p><p>“What the hell?” Charles flinched back, nearly as startled as the cat.</p><p>“It vas him!” He turned on the lamp, reached for his glasses, and reclothed himself, “Zhe Red Medic stole his head! Ve need to get Spy right avay.” He was already rushing out the door leaving an upset cat and a dazed Engineer behind him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Heinz*carrying a beheaded corpse*</p><p>Me: Haha stronk doctor</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. The Experiment</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Shut up dummkopf!” Ludwig hissed, threatening the Heavy into silence, but it was too late, someone had already heard.</p><p>“Is everything alright in there, Doc?” Sniper’s voice echoed slightly outside in the hallway. </p><p>“Ja! Everything is f-fine!” He covered Heavy’s mouth just in case.</p><p>Sniper was sure everything was not fine, he could have swore he heard their Heavy screaming, “Mind if I come in?” </p><p>“Not at all give me one moment.” His eyes darted around the room in a panic, if Sniper was truly as suspicious as he sounded he might be inclined to look around and if anyone could see something off putting it would be him. Finally his eyes settled on the fridge, he practically ran over to it and set the Heavy inside. The moment he opened his mouth to protest Medic covered it again and whispered furiously, “If you dare make a single sound I vill make sure zhat your life is a living hell. I stole you once I can steal you again.” The threat was finished and he shut the door, leaving him completely alone. </p><p>This couldn’t be happening , this could not be happening, Mikhail panicked alone in the frigid darkness. He always had his great strength to rely on for almost as long as he could remember and now this is what he was reduced to, a disembodied head in a fridge. It wasn’t just that his body had been taken away, but also the dark, small, and cold place he was now in crushed him with overwhelming claustrophobia. The only comfort he had was the sound of muffled voices outside and that really didn’t help him much. Pain shot down his nonexistent spine, it felt as if the body he lacked was being scorched with fire, yet his face was freezing. He wanted to hyperventilate, though he didn’t have any lungs to do it and he couldn’t make any loud noises or it would alert whoever was talking to the Medic, all he had left as a possibility was cry and that was something he really did not want to do. Instead he bit his lip while trying to keep himself from spiraling any further, but it was impossible. Tears welled up in his eyes and spilled across his face, at first they were a warm comfort until they quickly cooled on his skin making him even colder. He felt as if he was losing himself until the muffled voices went quiet and then he heard the distinctive tap of boots walking towards him before the fridge was opened by the mad man who had left him there.</p><p>“I couldn’t let any of my colleagues know about zhis project and zhis vas the first idea I could zhink to place you.” He picked up Mikhail’s head from the fridge, they were ungloved so his warmth flowed freely to his face and neck where he held him up, but Ludwig could feel his cold wet face as well, “Oh goodness have you been crying?” He tilted Mikhail’s head up to get a better look and was surprised to see such a thing, never had he expected to see a Heavy cry even in these circumstances, it was almost making him feel bad. </p><p>“N-no.” Mikhail tried to look down and attempted to avoid eye contact and keep his emotions from showing, however his lip wiggled some as a few more tears seeped out of his eyes.</p><p>“Now zhere is no need to lie, even vithout my glasses I could see zhat you are... upset to say zhe least.” He was becoming uncomfortable with his emotional state, it was really making him feel guilty now.</p><p>Mikhail only kept up his silence as best he could with a few sniffles here and there. Eventually he did look up at the Medic, he wasn’t as horrifying as before, he actually looked concerned which was an interesting look on him. He’d never seen him look truly concerned even when he was being torn limb from limb on the battlefield.</p><p>Ludwig wasn’t going to admit it, but those icy blue eyes staring at him did make him feel strange, “Giving me zhe silent treatment I see, vell zhat’s fine. I have ozher more important zhings I can be vorking on anyvay.” He faked his annoyance pretty well all things considered as he sat the disembodied Heavy on a table and went over to his desk to take notes on his progress.</p><p>He was about to protest as Ludwig took his warm hands away, however he thought better of it even though the air was so cold on his skin. He should have been used to this by now after all the years spent living in Russia, but without his body everything was different, even his tolerance for the cold and being in a fridge even for fifteen minutes did not help. He wanted to shiver, but he only trembled ever so slightly. Even though he spent most of his time in solitude, he had never felt this alone and out of place before, he despised it. Until he heard cooing and suddenly felt warm fluffy feathers against his cheek, a dove with blood stained feathers was nuzzling him. It surprised him and nearly scared him, yet as he got used to it he realized that this was one of the nicest feelings he would receive in a place like this and he might as well enjoy it. Eventually the dove began tickling and lightly pecking his neck which made Mikhail release an airy chuckle. </p><p>That got Ludwig’s attention, his head turned rapidly in their direction to see what this was all about. He relaxed when he saw it was simply Archemides welcoming their new guest, although it was odd to see the bird being so friendly with anyone beside himself, usually anyone of who came into contact with the dove would either be pecked at furiously or be avoided all together.</p><p>Mikhail made himself as quiet as he could when he noticed Medic was staring. He hated to think about what that man could do to him if he got on his bad side or if he had a new experiment in mind, luckily that wasn’t the case this time.</p><p>“So I see you have met Archimedes.” He tried to keep his tone neutral, but it had a slight hint of curiosity to it, it wasn’t every day the bird was so friendly with someone besides himself. Maybe it was the lack of a body that made the Heavy so approachable. </p><p>“Da.” He responded quickly and quietly, he had no desire to speak with the doctor more than he had to. </p><p>Ludwig jotted down a few notes before going over to his experiment and Archemides, “Vhat do you zhink about Archimedes?” He asked while opening up his hand which the bird promptly hopped into it.</p><p>Mikhail was puzzled by this, what was the doctor trying to do, have a conversation? “Is a good bird… very nice.”</p><p> “I suppose someone in your situation vould zhink zhat, however this bird has on multiple occasions tried to peck Spy’s eyes out. Zhe whole flock even killed him once.” </p><p>“Is a smart bird then, Spies are terrible.” He was very skeptical of birds being kind and well mannered as this ever even attempting to kill someone.</p><p>Ludwig chuckled a little, “You are right about zhat.”</p><p>“Da…”</p><p>He let out a sigh as he adjusted his glasses, not even a conversation made him feel less guilty, why did he feel so guilty? “I vould like to… apologize for leaving you in zhe fridge. I panicked and saw it as zhe only option at zhe time.”</p><p>Mikhail was absolutely baffled, was he serious? He was apologizing when he didn’t need to apologize. Medic had all the power in this situation, not him. Why would he ever apologize? “I-is okay.”</p><p>“Wunderbar!” Ludwig suddenly snapped to an overly enthusiastic version of himself, it was odd that slightest bit of relief could do that to him, but the doctor was a very odd man. Still that unsettling feeling persisted, as if he were doing something wrong. It was puzzling, he had done experiments on his own team in the past and had never felt this bad, what was any different about the opposing Heavy, if anything he should feel better about doing it to someone on the enemy team. Though he quickly found a way to distract himself, he grabbed his clipboard and a pen while trying his best to avoid making eye contact with his experiment.</p><p>    “Vould you mind if I asked you some questions?”</p><p>    “Do I have choice?”</p><p>    “Not at all! How are you feeling physically?”</p><p>     “Cold and… nothing.” </p><p>    “Cold makes sense I do apologize for zhat,” He wrote on a paper with terrible penmanship as usual, “And you mean you feel nozhing below your neck, right?’”</p><p>    “Yes.” </p><p>    “So you have felt no pain, even in zhe cold, correct?”</p><p>    Now that he thought about it he did remember a flash of pain where his body should have been when he was in the fridge, but was afraid to tell him, “No.” He mumbled and averted eye contact with the doctor. </p><p>“You are a very bad liar, Heavy. Vhat did zhe pain feel like and vhere vas it?”</p><p>Mikhail was still not overly eager to tell him, fearing that there would be another experiment if he found out that the pain was in a body he no longer had, “Is nothing, no pain.”</p><p>“Once again, you are a terrible liar so please make it easier for zhe both of us and tell the truth.” When this provoked no response from the Heavy he found himself becoming agitated, but kept his temper under control for a reason unknown to him, “Are you experiencing phantom pain?” He asked, leaning in a bit closer.</p><p>“What is that?” Mikhail peeked up to meet his gaze.</p><p>“It’s a common symptom of those who have had amputations, usually in a less severe case zhan zhis. Zhe basic idea is zhat you feel pain vhere zhe limb or in your situation body once was.”</p><p>“Da… had pain where body was.” He finally admitted.</p><p>“Vhat exactly did it feel like?”</p><p>“Burning… felt like burning.” Mikhail winced at the memory.</p><p>“Zhat took place in zhe fridge?” Ludwig looked up from his notes.</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>He nodded and continued to write, satisfied with all his answers for now. He was inturged when Heavy spoke again without being asked a question.</p><p>“What is going to happen to me?” He asked, sounding extremely troubled.</p><p>“Vhat do mean by zhat?”</p><p>“Will there be more experiments?”</p><p>“Zhis is the experiment my friend, vaiting and asking questions is vhat I am going to do for zhe time being.” Ludwig shrugged, if it was any other person things would probably be different, however this Heavy intrigued him. He couldn’t tell if it was good or bad to be so interested in a person, but he couldn’t control the way he felt, not about him.    </p><p>“How long?” </p><p>“For as long as I vant or can.” </p><p>Mikhail found himself feeling relieved and worried, things were not going to get worse, but he couldn’t see things getting better any time soon. </p><p>    “Vell I have more vork to do…” He shifted awkwardly before walking away, as he did he could be be heard murmuring to the bird on his shoulder, “Keep our friend company.” </p><p>    Archimedes was happy to obey the command, fluttering over to his new companion excitedly. The bird did his very best to keep Mikhail as comfortable as he could in his condition and the former Heavy appreciated it immensely.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Look guys a harmless bird, this bird has done no harm and will never do any harm ever.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Tension</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The Blu Spy was currently occupying his smoking room and despite how collected he appeared to his teammates the problem which had been or currently was in two separate fridges was weighing on his mind. He knew better than anyone what a broken machine looked like and the respawn was certainly not broken. The thought unnerved him, if Administration was behind this there was absolutely nothing he could do, however if it was the Red team who caused this that would be an entirely different story. A sudden loud banging on his door interrupted his thoughts.</p><p>“Spy, let me in now!” The Doctor ordered.</p><p>He stood to attention and dropped his cigarette in an ashtray, “Why on earth would I do that after your actions earlier?”</p><p>“Now is not zhe time to be a baby, let me in!”</p><p>Spy sighed and unlocked the door which the German had nearly broken down, “This better be important.”</p><p>“Zhis is important! It was the Red Medic, he must have thought of trying an experiment on our Heavy.”</p><p>“How do you know that? Where is your evidence?”</p><p>“I do not have any solid evidence, however-”</p><p>Spy shoved the door shut in his face, “Then this is not worth my time.”</p><p>Heinz pushed back so hard it nearly pushed him to the floor, “Oh yes it is, dummkopf.”</p><p>He stared up at the Medic, almost feeling frightened by his seriousness, “So I may have some time to kill, please continue.”</p><p>“Good. I need you to go over zhere.” </p><p>“What leads you to believe that he is the one resposible?”</p><p>Heinz raised his eyebrows and looked down at him with a frown, giving him the best ‘Are you serious?’ face he could muster.</p><p>“So it was most likely him, but what if you’re wrong? I know why you came to me, do you really want to risk being tortured or possibly my life on a theory with no real evidence?”</p><p>“Hmmm… Ja!” He swiftly began pushing the Spy out the door and was greeted by an anxious Engineer with a cat in his arms. </p><p>“Ow! I understand what you want me to do, I am going!” Spy snapped while cloaking and walked away in the direction of the Red Base. </p><p>Heinz waited until he was sure he had gone before speaking, “Zhat vent vell.” </p><p>“You think so?” Charles asked apprehensively. </p><p>“I know so.” He replied and reached for his hand which Charles set down the cat to take, “Now let's get you back to bed. You need zhe rest.”</p><p>“You do too, Honey.” He murmured as they walked with Harry trailing behind them.</p><p>“I vouldn’t count on me sleeping all zhat much tonight. I’ve been very stressed today.”</p><p>“We could work out all that tension if ya want.” He replied smugly.</p><p>A blush crept across his face when they stopped at his room, “Oh shut up!” He opened the door and went inside.</p><p>“In your dreams, Doc.” Charles laughed as he shut the door behind him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I am very tired and writers block is not all that fun, but at least I have enough chapters of this written it won’t be too much trouble for those of you have been keeping up with updates.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Friends in High Places</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Spy trudged through the desert into enemy territory, grumbling the entire way until he was close enough to Red base he no longer felt comfortable doing so and cloaked. He easily weaseled his way inside the base with a key he was generously gifted by a friend who wanted to make his life easier. Would you look at the luck, he was walking down the hallway, appearing to come from Medic’s lab.</p><p>Sniper’s usually hunched bad posture straightened. He had become very familiar with the Spook’s presence so he knew he was nearby, “What are you doing here?”</p><p>“I could ask you the same question.” Spy decloaked inches away from his face which even surprised Sniper who pushed him away in a thoughtless reaction.</p><p>“Don’t scare me like that, wanker!” </p><p>Spy looked up from the cold hard floor, clearly annoyed, “Do not push me like that, imbecile.”</p><p>Mick sighed and bent down, offering a hand to help him up, “Sorry, mate. I just got back from seeing the loony and ya know how he always gives me the creeps.” </p><p>He accepted the offer and got back on his feet, “I understand, mon amie.” </p><p>“Thanks… if I might ask again, what are you doing here and why now?”</p><p>“Well it’s very ironic. I was coming to give your Medic a visit based on a theory.”</p><p>“What theory? I noticed he’s been acting weird, weirder than usual that is.”</p><p>“Our Medic has reason to believe he is responsible for the disappearance of- well partial disappearance of our Heavy.” </p><p>“What do you mean by partial?” Mick asked, he was now very intrigued. </p><p>“We found his beheaded body lying in the dirt. Do not worry about the respawn; it is still fully functional and the body has been preserved. The problem is we- no I have to find the rest of him which is probably here.” He motioned at the door to Medic’s lab at the end of the hall. </p><p>“I was just in there, asked for some pain killers for an achy hand as an excuse to take a look around. Strangest thing that happened was he gave me a whole bottle, he’s off, but I don’t know if he has what you’re looking for.” He shrugged, he believed Spy was onto something, though he did not want him to take any risks, especially where the Doctor was involved.</p><p>“Thank you for telling me. I believe I should check anyway.” He began to stride past when he was held back.</p><p>“I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Those birds will find you even if you use a disguise and I heard what they did to our Spy when he tried to sneak into there.”</p><p>“Oh whatever, I’ve managed to kill the doctor on multiple occasions and I unlike your Spy do not smell as if I’ve bathed in cigarettes.”</p><p>“You sure about that, mate?”</p><p>“Of course I am, now if you excuse me I have an appointment with a certain doctor I have to attend.” </p><p>Mick watched unamused as Spy’s face and soon the rest of his body morphed into his own, “That’s really the form you wanna take, mate?’</p><p>“Yeah. I forgot my camper keys in there, mate.” He perfectectlly mimicked the Sniper’s voice as he swung the keys he picked pocketed around on his pointer finger.  </p><p>“Hey! You can’t just-”</p><p>“Well I just did and don’t worry, you’ll be thanking me later.” The disguised Spy chuckled to himself as he walked down the hall, leaving a momentarily dumbfounded Sniper.</p><p>“If you get in trouble I won’t save your ass this time.” Mick sighed when Spy gave him no response. He walked away and was slightly disturbed by Spy flirting with him disguised as him. Furthermore, he had a sinking pit in his stomach due to Spy walking right into the Mad Doctor’s hands.</p><p>Ludwig jolted when he heard a knock on the door, Heavy was concerned as well.</p><p>“I’m sorry to bother you again, mate. I can’t find my keys anywhere, must have dropped them in here.” </p><p>“Oh, zhat’s alright! Give me one moment please.” Ludwig’s voice sounded cheerful and forgiving, but his expression was the exact opposite. He reached for the Heavy, flashed him an apologetic look, and hid him in the highest most out of the way cabinet he could find. When he walked to the door he scanned every surface in the room, looking for the set of keys. He saw nothing, he did notice Archimedes and a few of his other doves in the rafters looking rather agitated, “Zhat’s odd.” He murmured to himself before opening the door, “Velcome back herr Sniper, try to find your keys quickly my friend.” His smile was forced and large, but it was the only thing keeping himself from scowling.</p><p>“Thank you.” ‘Sniper’ replied, sounding rather flippant and formal.</p><p>“You’re quite velcome.” The Medic folded his hands together, artificial light reflected off his glasses. He appeared as if he were possessed. </p><p>Spy searched as best he could while he felt a hundred eyes staring at him, not only the Medic’s. He glanced above him to see the doves, a symbol of peace had never seemed so violent and they were only sitting there, watching.</p><p>“Vhat’s wrong, Sniper? You look like you’ve seen a ghost. You haven’t taken zhose pills already?” Ludwig could sense his birds’ unrest. They were waiting, waiting for the ‘Sniper’ to make a mistake, but he couldn’t fault them. He was waiting too.</p><p>“No-” His voice had a trace of his French accent so he anxiously cleared his throat to correct it, “No, I’m just uneasy about my keys. Don’t want to break a window in my own home.” </p><p>Medic was willing himself and his doves to wait, it would be much more satisfying to play with his prey before devouring it, “I vouldn’t vorry if I vere you. You have plenty of funds to replace a window and your keys.” He leisurely stepped behind the Spy as Archimedes landed on his shoulder, eagerness radiated off the dove.</p><p>“Yeah you’re right, mate.” Spy couldn’t take this anymore, nervous sweat formed underneath his mask creating a terrible slimy feeling that covered his features. He shouldn’t be afraid and yet he had not felt a horror as great as this during his entire occupation as a mercenary, “Would you look at that.” He slipped the keys into his hand and held them up, “Found them.” He grinned in his best attempt to appear at ease.</p><p>“Vunderbar!” Medic clapped his hands as he continued to creep behind him, “Before you go, vould it be alvright if I saw zhe pills I gave you, zhey might not be zhe right kind.” </p><p>“Oh I- well let me see.” He pretended to look around in his allusion of a vest before he attempted to bolt out the door, but was caught by the neck. His disguise faded away as he was lifted off the ground and brought face to face with the Medic.</p><p>“You Spies are alvays mistaking me for a fool, it really is a shame,” He chuckled when he felt him squirm in his grip, “Vell it’s a shame for you.” He tightened his already firm grip on Spy’s throat who continued to kick and grabbed onto the Doctor’s hand, trying to make him release. </p><p>Ludwig could feel his scrawny arm becoming fatigued so he threw the Blu Spy to the floor. He gasped and tried to scramble to his feet, however the doves did not need a command. The whole flock pounced on him, pecking at every exposed surface of the Spy. He screamed while attempting to hit them away with his feeble hands, there were too many for him. He prayed that it would be over soon so he could respawn back at his base, away from this nightmare. </p><p>Medic folded his arms and tapped his foot as he waited, “Don’t come back. Vhatever you were looking for is not here.”</p><p>Without warning the door bursted open, “STOP IT!” Shrieked the Sniper.</p><p>“You have got to be kidding me.” Ludwig mumbled and shrugged, “Archimedes!” He called to his beloved dove who in turn commanded the rest of the flock to stop their assault. They obeyed and rose to the rafters. They were all cooing with disappointment and it hurt the Doctor’s heart.</p><p>“Are you alright?” Mick pulled Spy into his arms after he reached for his keys.</p><p>“What do you think?” He groaned, his bloody body was covered in peck marks and his mask had been nearly torn away.</p><p>Ludwig rolled his eyes, “I expected better of you, Mick.” Archimedes landed on his shoulder and chirped in agreement.</p><p>“Shut up, nurse.” He grumbled and picked up Spy, the man was very light so he could carry him to his camper without too much trouble.</p><p>“Vhere do you zhink you’re going?” Medic was reaching for his bone saw.</p><p>“Anywhere that isn’t here.” He saw the threat clear as day, “I wouldn’t kill me if I were you. I know you’re hiding something and you really don’t want me to start giving a damn about what you do when you think no one's watching.” </p><p>The Doctor sighed and stopped reaching for his weapon while he glared spitefully at him.</p><p>“Thanks, see ya, Doc.” The Sniper’s words were cold as he left the room. He no longer felt that he should force friendliness for Medic.</p><p>“Dummkopfs!” He slammed the door shut, making sure to lock it. He mumbled German curses almost the entire way to the corner of the room, only composing himself when he retrieved Heavy, “Danke for being so quiet.” He gave him a small, but genuine smile.</p><p>“Welcome,” Mikhail was happy to be in Medic’s hands again, something about them felt so safe, but that didn’t mean he had forgotten what he heard, “Did birds really try to peck Spy to death?” </p><p>“Ja, I thought I told you about zhe other one.”</p><p>“Thought it was joke.” He admitted. </p><p>“Vell I can see vhy, however it vas a true story. Don’t vorry about your Spy zhough, he barely made it to a tenth of zhe vay to zhe condition our’s did vhen he died.”</p><p>“Very… comforting.” His expression revealed he was far less that comfortable with the situation.</p><p>“Oh don’t vorry. Zhe birds do not vant to cause you harm, in fact zhey like you. Isn’t zhat right, Archimedes?” </p><p>The dove cooed and hopped happily, slowly beginning to inch down Ludwig’s arm to closer to Mikhail who smiled at the adorable dove.</p><p>“See you two are already becoming zhe best of friends! And if you befriends Archimedes you have basically befriended zhe entire flock.” </p><p>“Really?”</p><p>“Ja! Zhe reasons being is zhat Archimedes is actually related to a forth of zhe flock. He and his mate have been together for a very long time, she’s up zhere in zhe back, she’s very shy. And besides zhat Archimedes is very friendly with his own species, I zhink he’s befriended zhem all, except Gerrald, but no one in zhere right mind likes Gerrald.” He motioned at a dove who was up in the rafters at a dove who was sitting all by himself.</p><p>“Why not?” Mikhail asked, feeling slightly bad for the lonely dove.</p><p>“Ve do not speak about zhe incident.” His voice turned dark before becoming cheery and upbeat again, “Anyvay vould you like to hear all of zheir names in alphabetical order?”</p><p>“Da, sounds nice.”</p><p>“Excellent! Zhere Amelie who is Archimedes’s mate and zhen zhere is Archie, Arland, Becky, Beatrice, Dewey, Donald-” Ludwig continued to rattle off the names of his doves for a while and for some reason Mikhail didn’t mind, he actually was beginning to enjoy hearing the Doctor's voice.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I’m really beginning to think Ludwig is just a murderous nerd.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Wounds</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Spy whimpered in Sniper’s grasp, being pecked by a swarm of birds was not a pain he was familiar with. Mick heard him and picked up the pace to his van once they were outside.</p><p>“It’s alright, love. We’re almost there.”</p><p>“Nothing is ‘alright’ everything is terrible and I’m dying.” Spy groaned dramatically.</p><p>Mick sighed, but continued to carry him without an argument. He knew the one thing Spy hated the most was pain whether it be physical or emotional. He had certainly been through physical pain and his pride had most likely been severely wounded by the encounter so he decided it was best to only comfort him.</p><p>When he arrived at his van he fumbled around for his keys and opened the door all while trying to keep a man tucked in one of his arms. It was a difficult task, still he managed and when he made it inside he practically threw Spy on his bed.</p><p>He rolled over with a groan, “Be gentle, Bushman!” </p><p>Mick grumbled as he wet down a cloth, reached for a bottle of disinfectant, and bandages,“Stop it, I carried your sorry ass all the way here and now I’m gonna take care of ya.” He walked over to the bed with his mediocre medical supplies, “Can you sit up for me, love?” He requested in a much kinder tone.</p><p>“Of course I can, I am not a helpless child.” Spy said with a condescending tone and forced himself up with a pained grunt, barely managing to keep himself sitting.</p><p>Mick propped him up and was happy, but also concerned when there was no reply. He delicately removed Spy’s remains of a suit and mask so he could properly clean his wounds. Spy stayed fairly strong through most of it until he got to his back which had been attacked most severely by the birds. He bit his lip, but a whimper still resonated in the back of his throat.</p><p>“It’s okay, I’m almost finished.” Mick soothed and lightened his touch with the cloth that had absorbed disinfectant and blood, tracing the frail man’s skin in an attempt to get the wounds clean without causing him any more pain.</p><p>“Merci.” Spy mumbled as he leaned closer to Mick, his eyelids were sliding down. Despite his pain he was incredibly exhausted and he couldn’t fight it for much longer.</p><p>It took a little longer until Sniper felt he had cleaned and bandaged his wounds to the best of his ability. By that time Spy was more than half asleep, flinching every so often to keep himself awake. “There we go.” Mick announced as he finished wrapping the last bandage around his arm.</p><p> Spy jumped at the noise, but once he registered his words he smiled softly to himself and drooped completely forward into Mick’s embrace. The Sniper picked up his Spy and laid him down, pulling the sheets over his companion. He settled down beside him, but didn’t find sleep as easily despite being exhausted. There were too many anxieties jumbled about in his mind, too many fears about what could happen to his love, most worrisome of all was the Doctor and what exactly he was hiding.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Feelings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Anorexic doctor who has not experienced a wholesome emotion in years suddenly has a crush on a decapitated head and his body goes into shock.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“-And zhe final one is Zachery,” Ludwig said as he pointed at a dove who was located in the right corner, closer to Gerald than any other bird, “I zhink he fancies Gerald vich is unfortunate, however zhey are both males so if zhey do become close ve von’t have to vorry about any offspring… So now you know all my doves, ja?” </p><p>“Not that well, how can you tell them apart? All look the same.” Mikhail asked, somewhat amazed that the Doctor could tell every single one of them apart even from a distance.</p><p>    “Vell I have had most of zhem since zhey vere chicks, eggs even, and zhey each have defining features whether it be their posture or a marking… I know it's odd, but zhey are my only friends and vhat friend vould I be to zhem if I couldn’t tell one apart from zhe ozher?”</p><p>“Would be bad friend.” Mikhail admitted.</p><p>“Exactly and before ve leave zhe topic of names completely, may I ask vhat your name is?” He leaned down just enough to show enough seriousness and interest, but was not lowering himself to be at eye level.</p><p>Mikhail was concerned with what the Doctor would do if he found out his real name despite that he was only asking for his first. Nonetheless, he decided it would be best to tell him his nickname even if it was personal and embarrassing, “Misha. That is name.”</p><p>Ludwig snickered, by no means was he expecting a name that was so adorable. It sounded like something a patronizing mother would call her little boy, “Really?” He made no attempt to hide his amusement, “Zhat is an interesting name,” His laughter died down when he saw the shame in Misha’s expression, “My name is Ludwig, make fun of it all you vant. It is zhe most stereotypical and stupid German name one can have, however it is not as bad as let’s say a name like Fritz or Heinz.” He spat the final name with absolute contempt, he despised the man who had stolen his plans. The shell of a Doctor had made a fool of him ever since that day, every time he saw an opposing team member ubercharge it nearly made him go into a seething insane rage every time.</p><p>“Does not like other Doctor very much?” Mikhail remarked in an attempt to snap Ludwig out of an evil far away stare.</p><p>His expression softened when his gaze shifted back to Misha, he couldn’t hold Heinz’s mistake against him, “Ja, he has been an inconvenience to my team’s Engineer and I, always trying to kill zhe two of us, truly terrible.” </p><p>“Is not that bad, only does what thinks is best for team.” He felt he had to defend Heinz until he remembered the position he was in when he saw the fury in Ludwig’s eyes.</p><p>He took a breath to keep himself grounded before speaking, “You are biased and zhat is understandable, he is your precious doctor after all.”  </p><p>“Would not call him precious, can be-”</p><p>“Annoying, infuriating, ugly?”</p><p>“Maybe, not ugly.”</p><p>    Ludwig raised an eyebrow, “Vhy do you think he’s not ugly?”</p><p>    “Has same face, would make you ugly… you are not ugly.” Mikhail got quieter as the sentence went on, what on earth was he saying?</p><p>    That sent Ludwig into a fit of laughter which was actually him expressing nervousness and something else, something odd. A feeling of a rapidness in his heart, an excitement the organ had never experienced since he placed the implant in his chest. It panicked as the rest of his body went ahead without it, leaving it far behind. His palms became slick with sweat hidden by his gloves, his bony limbs fidgeted now that they felt out of place no matter where he placed them, and finally a creeping blush appeared on his face.</p><p>    “Z-zhat’s wunderbar- nice, zhat’s nice you zhink I’m not hideous.” He folded his sweaty hands together tightly.</p><p>    “Are you okay? Looks sick.” Despite everything he was concerned about him, it was an odd feeling for him as well.</p><p>    “J-ja, I am feeling… I feel fine. I’m tired, ja zhat’s it, I need rest and zhat vill help me. Right, Misha?” A huge grin was on his face, but it seemed to contain every mixed emotion he felt at that moment.</p><p>    “Da,” Mikhail decided it would be best to go along with it as unwell as Ludwig appeared, “Sleep should help.”</p><p>    “Exactly, however I need a place to hide you. Vhere vould you like to be for zhe night?” </p><p>    “Anywhere that is not cold.” He replied hastily, Ludwig looked as if he might pass out any moment.</p><p>    “Zhat’s simple enough.” The Doctor replied and found a random sparsely filled cabinet to leave him in, “G-goodnight, Misha. If you can even sleep.”</p><p>    “Goodnight.” </p><p>    And with that the Doctor rather carefully closed the small door, which appeared to be very large compared to Mikhail at the moment. After that there was nothing except a small light that filtered through the small spaces through the cabinets and soon after that was halted by Ludwig turning off the lights. Plunging him into complete darkness that was only made bearable by the occasional stirring of doves.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If you like my tf2 writings pay attention to the name Fritz. It probably won’t be out for a while, but I am working on a new project where that’s Blu Medic’s name.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. The Past and the Present</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Would anyone like to know why Ludwig is so messed up-</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Also I Can’t Handle Change by Roar is a pretty cool song that I definitely didn’t listen to while writing this chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>For once in an incredibly long time Ludwig decided to sleep in his own room instead of his chair or some random cot in his lab for a few hours. He had unknowingly made his one safe space into a place he couldn’t stand to be in for another moment. He haphazardly pulled off his clothing and tossed it randomly around the room. The only thing left to comfort him was cold lightly dusted sheets on top of a bed that were far too big for his scrawny body. Something about the thin fabric reminded Ludwig of himself, they had barely been used and yet their pale decrepit appearance aged them years. He then remembered why he detested his room more than anywhere else in the base, he could take the loudness of the common area, the desert sun that seared his skin, even the Spy’s wreaking smoking room was preferable to this. Anything that was a reminder of the place he was born was comparable to radioactive waste, it would rot and take away until there was nothing left except a corrupted hollow shell of what once was. </p><p>Despite everything he stayed, he didn’t know why, maybe it was fatigue, maybe it was the feeling he had nothing left to lose, or maybe he felt the need to face his demons. In all reality it was just a room, he wasn’t a child who was afraid of ghosts. He had never been a child, he had only been a man who had real monsters to deal with and they weren’t around right now so he was safe. Safe… the word repeated in his head, You are safe. The voice that had said the words in his mind was so familiar and comforting and yet he couldn’t exactly remember who it reminded him of. His mind didn’t have time to wonder any longer, it had been going one hundred miles per hour for far too long and it desperately needed a break. All his tension released and he couldn’t fight it for another second. His eyes fluttered shut as he fell into a deep sleep that he had been avoiding for weeks.</p><p>The world around him was only a small white room, a locked door, a small bed, and some books. He loved books more than anything else, that would have been a problem for anyone else, but the world of literature had been so kind to him. The books never upset him, they never made him do things he hated, they never tested him. Instead they stayed in place patiently waiting to be read and that’s exactly what Ludwig intended to do. Today he picked up his favorite, it was about birds, all kinds of birds. He remembered declaring to his creators how much he loved birds and thanking them for the book. They seemed happy to hear it which made Ludwig feel he had done something right. He was soon to be corrected.</p><p>The door opened up without making a sound, but Ludwig saw it out of the corner of his eye. It wasn’t the nice lady who brought him food, instead it was a Scientist, Dr. Richter was his name from what Ludwig had overheard. He was in his thirties, shorter than Ludwig albeit more mature, he had blond hair, strikingly green eyes, and this thick German accent that he could never repress despite how hard he tried so he just gave up. </p><p>“Guten morgen, Ludwig!” He exclaimed enthusiastically.</p><p>He perked up while he sat his book aside, “Hallo.” He replied with excitement, but not nearly the same amount of enthusiasm. Something was odd about the scientist, his face was off, skewed to the point of him not looking like himself, but Ludwig didn’t give it too much thought. </p><p>“Vere you reading zhat bird book again?”</p><p>“Ja. Vould you like to see zhe page I vas on?”</p><p>“Absolutely, but ve have to vait until later, zhere’s somezhing important ve have to do today.” He was grinning widely, too widely to be natural and again Ludwig didn’t pay attention to the detail.</p><p>He even began to pout, what could possibly be more important than birds? If he was being taken to do another intelligence test he thought he would cry.</p><p>“Oh don’t be zhat vay, it’s a reward for all your progress,” He widened the already open door and motioned for him to go ahead of him, “Now come along, ve vouldn’t vant to keep anyone vating.”</p><p>The prospect of a reward immediately cleared the fog of frustration in his head. He scampered out the door and began to turn right down the hall where he usually took his tests until he felt Richter hold his shoulder.</p><p>“Nien, ve are going a different vay zhis time.” He turned to the right, expecting Ludwig to follow him and he did as always.</p><p>“Al-alvright.” Finally he experienced some unease due to the change in routine. The hallway seemed to go one forever in some sort of labyrinth, twisting and turning to the point that he couldn’t memorize it. His only hope was the scientist who memorized the place on the back of his hand. </p><p>“You know I do vant zhe best for you, right?” </p><p>“Ja. You’ve told me how you vant me to be a good doctor, just like you.”</p><p>That provoked a nervous chuckle from Richter, “Exactly and you know vhat zhat means?”</p><p>“Do no harm.”</p><p>“Vell in some situations yes, but in some cases you have to push past zhe boundaries.”</p><p>“I do not understand.”</p><p>“In your life you may have to hurt someone for zhe sake of progress or to protect yourself.”</p><p>“Zhere’s no need to progress, everything is fine and vhy vould I need to protect myself? No one should hurt anyone, zhat’s zhe rules.”</p><p> “Vhat if someone breaks zhe rules?”</p><p>    “Zhey vouldn’t! Zhey can’t, it’s wrong.”</p><p>“Not everyone is a rule following robot, Ludwig- Oh ve are here already.” The white door he opened looked like any other besides a different number which Ludwig had long forgotten, it wasn't as important as what happened next.</p><p>Inside there was a small table with raven with its wings tied together. It was quiet and unmoving, it had completely resigned to it’s fate.</p><p>Ludwig momentarily forgot about the conversation they had prior. He was seeing a bird in real life for the very first time. He bounded over to it like a child, nearly trembling with excitement.</p><p>    “Hallo!” He exclaimed as he reached down to pet the bird who flinched away from his hand, “Do not vorry, I vill not hurt you.” He did his best to calm down and appear docile while still offering his hand to the raven. With time the bird waddled over, it hopped into his hand, its beady black eyes stared at him.</p><p>    “Zhank you, Ludwig. But I zhink it vould be best if you vere not so keen on befriending it. Put it down.”</p><p>    “Vhy? Zhis isn’t vrong I-”</p><p>    “I said put it down!” </p><p>    Ludwig shuddered and did as he was told, everything was feeling so off.</p><p>    “Good, now I need you to do something very important.”</p><p>    He nodded and was shocked when the scientist offered him a hammer, “V-vhat do you vant me to do vith zhis?”</p><p>    “Isn’t it obvious, use it to hit zhe bird.”</p><p>“Von’t zhat hurt?”</p><p>“Not if you do it quick enough.” The way he spoke so casually sickened Ludwig to his core.</p><p>“Are you- n-no I vill not kil- Get zhat zhing avay from me!” He began to back away, but his hand was seized and placed on the table next to the raven.</p><p>“It is either the bird or your hands, Ludwig.”</p><p>“Nein! I vill not hurt it-” A loud thud and a crack echoed in the room which was followed by shrieking. His left hand had been completely decimated in one strike, he cried and pulled it to his chest.</p><p>“Let’s try zhis again, shall ve? Kill it or I vill have no other choice than to break your ozher hand.”</p><p>A sense of calm came over Ludwig, he hadn’t felt anything quite like it before. It felt as if he were a puppet with no free will of his own. He opened his uninjured hand as a request for the hammer. To his relief the scientist complied, the weapon felt so natural in his hand. He gazed at the raven, it’s black eyes gave him one final plea before they closed. Just as he was about to strike the bird he turned around. </p><p>Richter didn’t have time to react, the hammer had already knocked the wind out of his lungs. The first assault was followed by another and another, Ludwig didn’t show any sign of stopping even when his body had been turned into a corpse. His laughter echoed through the small room, it was ceaseless and past a certain point it didn’t sound like himself. Nothing looked like it should have either, the room was collapsing around him and he failed to notice until he took a second look at the corpse. It wasn’t his tormentor anymore, instead it was a huge decapitated body in the desert. The heat had rotted beyond the point of repair making it a truly hideous and horrifying sight. It made Ludwig want to scream, but the only thing that made it past his lips was laughter.</p><p>Ludwig jolted up in a panic, his heart pounded in his chest and he was covered in cold sweat. Pained laughter continued to force its way out of his lips until he had enough and covered his mouth. More unbearable memories and twisted images from his imagination began to surface, but he couldn’t make them go away no matter how hard he tried. </p><p>They congratulated him for killing that man, they were happy with how brutally he had done it. They told him that he progressed so quickly, quicker than the others. At the time Ludwig felt terrible for the acts of violence he commited and he still knew they were wrong, but they continued to praise him for each cruel thing he did. It left him confused, the line between right and wrong had been blurred beyond recognition.</p><p>To his relief the laughing finally stopped so he pulled his legs to his chest and began to rock slightly, the action was so soothing to his nerves. It nearly lulled him back to sleep, but he couldn’t risk another nightmare. He forced himself out of bed, turned on a lamp and put on his glasses. To his disappointment the clock on his nightstand said it was only 3:48 in the morning, he couldn’t wait in his room for the rest of the team to wake up without risking falling asleep again. He tugged on a simple shirt and a worn pair of pants before leaving his room.</p><p>Far off snores of his team could be heard echoing throughout the hall. The sound was comforting compared to the silence of his room. It wasn’t a far walk to the kitchen, but his exhaustion made his trek more difficult than it should have been. He needed something to stay awake and he didn’t have the patience to make coffee so he searched the fridge for something that could help. All he found was that revolting soda Scout always drank, under normal circumstances he wouldn’t even consider touching it, however he was desperate. He sighed as he reached for a can, the crack that sounded when he opened the can made him worry that he had woken up someone. After a few minutes of no one coming he figured it was safe so he reluctantly took a drink. Apparently it didn’t taste as terrible as he had originally thought because within moments he gulped down the entire thing. Maybe he drank it too fast, soon after he finished his heart picked up speed and he felt he should run a marathon. It was no wonder Scout consumed so many of these. As the intense affects wore off he went to dispose of the can.</p><p>“Oh my god! I had no idea you liked bonk!” The Scout exclaimed in the doorway.</p><p>“Scheisse!” Medic nearly fell over in shock, but collected himself to face the younger man and grab his throat. He mercilessly slammed him into the wall while hissing, “I told you not to come back, Spy!”</p><p>Jermey struggled in his grip and barely managed to wheeze, “Doc, it's me your pal. I’m notta Spy.”</p><p>Ludwig almost believed him so he loosened his hold enough for him to breathe, “Prove it.”</p><p>    “Okay okay I can do this,” He psyched himself up as sweat pooled on his brow, he knew respawn would catch him, but he did not like getting strangled to death, “MyNameIsJeremyI’mFromBostonAndI’mTheMostHandsomeManInTheWorldNoSpyCouldPossiblyRecreateSuchGorgeousnessAndYouOfAllPeopleShouldKnowThatAfterCuttingIntoMeSoManyTimesAlsoIAmTheBestBaseBallPlayerIn-”</p><p>    “I get it dummkopf!” He was sure without a shadow of a doubt this was their Scout. No one else, not even a Spy possessed the ability to irritate him to the core in less than two seconds. He dropped him to the floor without a second thought and rubbed his scrawny weak arm, he had been putting it through a lot lately. </p><p>    “Cool! So about you liking bonk, how long have you been keeping it a secret?</p><p>    “I am keeping no secrets. I simply needed somezhing to keep me avake and your cheap radioactive vaste vas my only option.”</p><p>“Whatever Doc, I saw you chug it in like ten seconds.”</p><p>“You are exaggerating and I already told you I need to stay avake.”</p><p>“Yeah cause your secret is keeping you up at night.”</p><p>    Ludwig stiffened feeling almost fearful,“Vhat secret?”</p><p>“The one about bonk… wait do you have any other secrets I don’t know about?”</p><p>Ludwig shifted uncomfortably with a fake, plastered smile, “Nien of c-course not.”</p><p>“Now I know you gotta secret! You have to tell me!”</p><p>“I do not have to tell you anyzhing.” He folded his arms defensively.</p><p>“C’mon, pal. Pleeeeaaasssse.”</p><p>“Nein.”</p><p>“Fine then, I’ll start guessing. You know how good I am at guessing.”</p><p>“Oh no! I’m so scared of your deductive reasoning.” He replied sarcastically.</p><p>“You better be,” He said confidently despite having no idea what deductive reasoning meant, “You’re secretly a math teacher.”</p><p>“No.</p><p>“You know karate.”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“You’re actually a woman.”</p><p>“I vouldn’t be surprised, but to my knowledge, no.”</p><p>“You sneak out to go to a party every Saturday night.”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“You think I’m the coolest guy in the world and you want to be just like me.”</p><p>     “Absolutely not!” He saw the hurt look on Jeremy’s face and tried to lessen the blow,<br/>
“I mean uhh- I never thought zhat vay before and I vould like to go back to sleep so could ve resume zhis guessing game later.”</p><p>    “Can I have one more guess tonight?”</p><p>    Ludwig sighed, “Ja, one more guess couldn’t hurt.”</p><p>    “Okay I gotta make this one count… hmmm… You have a crush on someone!”</p><p>    “Vhat on earth does zhat mean? I’m too small to crush someone or have someone to crush.”

</p>
<p> “Doc, how do you not know what a crush is- oh yeah the whole clone thing. Don’t worry I’ll explain it for ya. A crush is where a person makes you feel things, like really good things most the time, but sometimes they make you all sweaty and your heart goes at like a million miles a hour.”</p><p>    “Zhat’s normal?” He was astonished, he thought he had been sick or dying at that moment. The more he thought about it the more things made sense.</p><p>“Oh yeah, it happens all the time.”</p><p>“Vhat do you do if you have a crush?”</p><p>“Well uhhhh… You’re supposed to tell them, but because I’m so cool I don’t tell mine.”

</p><p>“If you’re so cool vhy not tell zhem?”</p><p>“Because you might not be her crush and when you get turned down it really, really hurts.”</p><p>“Vell vhat if you are her crush?”</p><p>“Then she’ll eventually lose feelings for you and find some other guy she thinks is better, and he probably is better than you and she’s right to leave because you’re a stupid nobody who could only be loved by his mother!”</p><p>Ludwig was taken aback and Jermey’s frustration subsided almost immediately, “Sorry, I was talking more about myself than you.”</p><p>“Ja, I zhought so.”</p><p>“You’re really great, Medic. I’m sure your crush will like ya back forever.... You do have a crush, right?”</p><p>“Maybe and if so it’s on zhe vorst person possible.”</p><p>“Who-”</p><p>“None of your business and no it’s not Miss Pauling. Now if you excuse me I am going back to my room.”</p><p>“Thank god- uhhh I mean good night or morning, Medic.”</p><p>“Good night or morning to you as vell, Scout.” He spoke more kindly to Jermey than ever before even when he felt he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. He’s Lying</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“He should be back by now.” Heinz fretted after he checked in Spy’s smoking room for the hundredth time. He shut the door and began to pace in circles around his room.</p><p>“Don’t worry too much about this, darling. He’s probably taking his time, you know how he is.” Charles remarked as he sat on the bed right next to Harry. His legs were so short they weren’t able to touch the ground so they just dangled off the side.</p><p>    “I know, but vhat if somezhing happened to him? Vhat if I sent him into imminent doom just like Mikhail?”</p><p>With that the Engineer stood up, he went to Heinz and put his hands on his shoulders, standing on the tips of his toes to do so,“Don’t you start blaming yourself for any of this. You’ve been doing everything right while everything else is going wrong. Look at me, I’ve barely done a helpful thing in the past day.”</p><p>Heinz bent his knees so he was closer to being at equal height as his partner. His voice was calm, but something in him sounded so furious it was terrifying, “Zhat is not true. You helped me find his body and vithout zhat knowledge he could have rotted to an irreparable state. I am zhe one who forgot my responsibilities and left a team member behind. None of zhis vould be happening if I just used my head.”</p><p>“Cause you told me to look for him… I know you’re upset, but you did nothing wrong, I know you think you did, but you didn’t.”</p><p>“You don’t know a single zhing, you cannot tell zhe difference between imagination and reality vithout zhe help of pills.”</p><p>Charles backed away, the words felt like a hot dagger piercing his heart, but he didn’t say anything. The look on his face spoke for him.</p><p>The Medic let out a sigh, “I’m sorry, I zhink I am becoming tired and today has been stressful for us both. Vhat I said means nozhing, alvright?”</p><p>“Y-yeah.” Charles sniffled while he stared at the floor, he felt like throwing a full on tantrum immediately, but something stopped him. Whether it was love, medicine, self control, or all of the above he just couldn’t break down right now, “It’s okay, don’t worry about it.”</p><p>Like a switch the Medic switched back to his calm and kind self, “Zhank goodness. For a moment I zhought you vere going to have an episode. Vhy don’t you try to get some rest vhile I check on some zhings, ja?”</p><p>“I can do that.” He replied in a hushed tone. The kindness Heinz was showing didn’t feel right, but he wasn’t about to bring it up. He preferred this than have his condition insulted by the man who he loved the most.</p><p>“Danke, I’ll be back soon.” The Medic pressed a kiss to Charles’ head before he left the room.</p><p>The Engineer watched him go. His departure reminded him of when he was younger. The way the scientists closed the door and left him alone for hours. It was a relieving, yet horrifying feeling. As long as no one was there he couldn’t be tortured or experimented on, but he was terrified and alone. No book they gave him could distract him from the voices in his head. He rarely saw anything that wasn’t there, but without his pills the voices were incessant. Constantly screaming at him to do something and they could never make up their minds, if they even had any. He could hear a voice right then, it was barely more than a whisper so it took him a moment to register it.</p><p>He’s lying.</p><p>Was all it said and once Charles understood it shut up almost immediately. It unnerved Charles to his core.</p><p>“No he’s not,” Charles grumbled, “He’d never lie to me and you know that.”</p><p>…</p><p>“Don’t go all quiet on me after saying something like that.”</p><p>…</p><p>“Yeah that’s right, you should be quiet after saying something so stupid.”</p><p>…</p><p>He sighed and flopped face first onto the bed, nearly missing Harry, but scaring him nonetheless. The fluffy white cat hissed before forgiving him and laying on his back.</p><p>“Guess I’m stuck like this now,” Charles grinned as Harry mewed. That cat always found a way to be a silver lining in any situation.</p><p>Harry purred, closing his eyes, content to be in an incredibly comfortable place. Although the absence of his owner left a melancholic feeling in the feline’s heart.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>:-)</p>
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<a name="section0015"><h2>15. You Can’t Fix This by Yourself</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ludwig reluctantly opened the door to his room, his loathing for it came back full force the moment he stepped in. It felt as if a million eyes were staring at him, judging his every moment and it frightened him. He shuddered and felt around along the wall for the light switch. Instant relief flowed through him the moment he flipped it on, until he realized how embarrassing this was. He was seriously afraid of the dark now? Everyone would laugh at him for days if they found out. He was a mercenary, not a child, he had never been a child so he had no excuse for these irrational fears. The only reason he needed to turn on that silly light was to read, yes reading was what he loved to do and it was impossible to do in the dark.</p><p>He reached for a book he’d left in his room to be forgotten ages ago. The moment he saw the cover he remembered why. It was an idiotic teenage romance novel Spy gave him as a joke at their annual Smissmas gift exchange. The joke hadn’t gone over very well and ended up making Ludwig feel incredibly insulted and after a bit too much to drink he ended up throwing it at Spy’s face… or something. He couldn’t quite recall. </p><p>Instead of going with his first instinct to get rid of it, he opted for something even he was surprised by. He was going to read it in order to understand social dynamics better of course. Under normal circumstances he would have had no interest in reading it, but with his feelings all scrambled maybe a fictional teenage girl could help him decipher them. </p><p>The first chapter was hell, he felt his brain that he had spent years sharpening with logic turning to mush. The plot was garbage, the description of the setting was bland, and the characters were awful. Especially the main one, Katy was just an empty headed girl who fell for any guy who glanced at her. </p><p>Half way through the second chapter he had enough,“Zhis is stupid, people don’t act like zhis in real life… Do zhey?” He honestly didn’t know, maybe he could ask Jeremy later. </p><p>Although, this book was a part of a genre he hadn’t read yet and he had barely given it a chance. Besides, if he put his mind to it he could read it in a few hours. It couldn’t possibly be that bad, he had suffered worse mental torture than a book he didn’t care for and if he truly hated it that much it would be a good distraction from his own self loathing and what he was keeping in his lab.</p><p>He let out a long sigh as he opened it back up. As time went on he got used to the writing style and the characters were teenagers, that was a good excuse for what idotic thing they did. When it came down to it he couldn’t judge them, technically he was around their age. Although he couldn’t possibly imagine being stuck in an ever changing body for so long. His memories were dim, but he remembered being an adolescent for a short period of time. That was the only thing he was thankful for in his situation was the rapid aging that had been brought on by a concoction of drugs and hormones. He was dying to know what they were, but Mann Co never gave him living subjects for his research so he was left to theorize about what had been done to himself and the other clones. </p><p>He was in the middle of the book and the plot was picking up now. Katy was caught in a love triangle. One boy was named Gordon and the other was Tommy. Personally he was hoping she would go with Gordon since he deserved eternal damnation with someone who was so awful. He was so terrible to his friends, especially Benny who in Ludwig’s eyes was so nice and deserved the world. He didn’t know much about romantic relationships, but this book made starting one feel awful. Sometimes he wanted to shake the book and scream ‘PICK ONE ALREADY!’ But he didn’t because that would be immature and draw unwanted attention to himself. </p><p>Finally he made it to chapter 29, the final chapter titled Confession. He could feel himself boiling over with excitement as he made it to the last page.</p><p>Katy marched over to her bickering love interests with her mind made.</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>‘Okay listen up, I know which one of you I want to go to the dance with me.’</p><p>“Ja! Go on, go on.”</p><p>She opened her mouth and what she said shocked them both.</p><p>End of Book One</p><p>“Vhat zhe hell?!” He skimmed the last few pages which were blank except for the author’s notes. He had suffered through the worst book of his life for nothing. Nothing. He threw it against the wall with all his might, breaking its spine. </p><p>“Vaste of my time, stupid capitalist author who makes me suffer for money.” He grumbled as he paced around the room. Against his will, he did wonder what happened next. It was annoying, but his mind refused to move onto another topic. He already found himself mumbling quotes from the book to him and then it all clicked, “oh gott no, not Benny, anyvone but Benny.” There was no other logical choice that would shock the both of them. It infuriated him that Benny could be subjected to a life of misery he didn’t deserve. Then a new thought came to him, “Vait, vhy on earth do I care about zhis? It’s not like I am a fictional character vith such simple thoughts that are controlled by a god like being at vill, now zhat vould be terrifying. Luckily zhat’s not my reality.” He paused for a moment and began to question his existence before snapping himself out of it, “Nein, I don’t zhink an existential crisis is necessary right now.” Although after all his nervous sweating a shower was. </p><p>It was still early so he would have it to himself, he snuck down the hall and to the showers with no trouble. As always the water was too cold for his liking and the inexpensive soap smelled like the color gray, but it was better than nothing and since he had been using it for as long as he could remember he didn’t know what a nice shower was supposed to feel like. He took a longer time than usual on this occasion and actually tried to rid himself of the sand and dirt that always clung to him. He wasn’t an exception, all of the mercenaries were filthy to differing degrees, even Spy who had his personal shower he spent countless hours in was never completely clean.</p><p> When Ludwig was satisfied with himself he got out of the shower. There was no battle or team event today so he wore more simple clothing which was baggy on him as usual. When he exited the showers he made the decision to go straight to his lab. He had been avoiding going in there for entirely too long. This was his experiment, his responsibility. He had gotten so far already, how could he stop now? Still, the one factor he left out of every equation was the solution to this problem. His feelings. They had been driving nearly everything he did ever since Misha had said he wasn’t ugly, which could barely be considered a compliment. It was all so illogical it made him want to scream, but throwing a tantrum was illogical too. The only logical and productive thing he had left was to walk through that door.</p><p>He let out a long sigh and reluctantly opened the door. The moment he stepped in he was swarmed by doves, all of them cooing at him simultaneously and not because they wanted food, because they were worried. The man who had saved them and raised them from chicks had left their home one night and they feared he wasn’t going to return. Even Amelie who was the shyest of all his doves had landed on a countertop nearby, but none of them compared to Archimedes. The bird was swarming him long after the others had settled, cooing incredibly loudly, and occasionally pecking him. It was slightly annoying to the other birds, some of which were roosting on Ludwig’s shoulders, each of them cuddling him or simply resting.</p><p>“Ja, I know, I know. I am sorry for leaving you like zhat.” </p><p>Archemedies pecked him a few more times before he was somewhat satisfied. The dove then decided to snuggle up in Ludwig’s hair.</p><p>“Awwww! You haven’t done zhis since you vere little.”</p><p>To that Archemidies pecked him.</p><p>“It’s going to take more zhan zhat to hurt me.” Ludwig chuckled and patted his dove affectionately on the head. </p><p>The doves did serve not only as a comfort, but they were also a great distraction. He nearly forgot about his experiment, he wanted to forget about his experiment. Still the cabinet he had left Misha in caught his eye the moment he spared a glance away from his doves. It felt as though someone was twisting a knife in his chest, it felt like he was dying, but he wasn’t dying. It was just a simple feeling that could be crushed if he tried hard enough. </p><p>He took a moment to let the shock of the pain subside into something he could tolerate before he approached the cabinet. Seconds turned into hours as he made his way across the room. He opened the cabinet and tried to force a more pleasant expression onto his face.</p><p>“Good morning!”</p><p>Mikhail gave him a miserable, furious look, the one long night had worn on him like no other. Nothing felt right and to top it off he had heard Ludwig talking to his doves. He envied the Doctor like never before. The night alone had let him process his shock and fear until his emotions turned to rage and sadness. Despite everything, even if he did have his body back, he wasn’t sure if he could hurt him. Somehow Ludwig seemed innocent in a way, he couldn’t explain it. Everything about him seemed to contradict itself, one moment he could be a terrible, calculating monster, the next a child who had no idea what he was doing, and sometimes a frail creature that just wanted someone to care. Right now he seemed to be the child, so he decided to be a little kinder than he would have liked.</p><p>“Good morning.” </p><p>Ludwig took him in his hands and spoke as casually as he could, but nervousness still made his way into his voice. He had not expected him to deteriorate so quickly,“How did you sleep?”</p><p>“I did not sleep.”</p><p>“Do you believe it vas stress or your lack of a body?”</p><p>“Does not know, maybe both.”</p><p>    “Interesting.” Ludwig put him down on the table and went to take notes by himself. He could have tested if Misha could really sleep by giving him a sedative, but his experiment’s state had deteriorated so quickly overnight it would be too risky. The dark circles under Misha’s eyes were so deep that it was almost alarming, he looked years older, and his face was deathly pale. How much longer could he keep doing this? This wasn’t right, especially if what Scout had told him about crushes was right. Not even someone in that idiotic novel would do this, Katy was more worthey of Benny than he would ever be of Misha. Unless...yes he could fix this, if it could be fixed at least. If he could return Misha’s body to him they would be back at square one, everything should go back to square one between them and he could do something good with that. A small chuckle escaped before he could cover his mouth. The wheels in his head were already turning. This was going to be great, no this was going to be perfect.</p><p>“I do apologize, but you’re going to have to stay in the cabinet for a vhile longer.” He put the experiment back in place, “I have somezhing important I need to do.”</p><p>Misha was visibly frustrated and upset, but he didn’t fight. There was no point.</p><p>Ludwig pulled on a lab coat over his sloppy clothes,“Archemides, stay here and make sure no one except me opens zhat cabinet.”</p><p>The dove rose to attention and flew off into the rafters.</p><p>“Zhank you, I vill be back in an hour.”</p><p>As Ludwig marched through the desert he started to have second thoughts. How on earth would he ever carry a body that big back to base? He was known to overestimate his strength, but even that was a stretch into the realms of imagination. Well he would improvise when he got there, speaking of which he should have been to the area by now. However, he didn’t see a corpse, but upon closer examination of the sand he saw dried blood marking where it should have been. </p><p>Of course they took it, how could he have been so stupid? They would have noticed the disappearance of a team member in a heartbeat. The real question was what would he do now? He could return Misha to them, however he had too much pride to do that. He sighed and turned around so he could go back to base and find a new solution to his problem. Until he was halted by the loud bang of a rifle and a sudden explosion of pain in his leg.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This chapter of is kinda dumb not gonna lie, but I was sleep deprived okay 😔</p><p>Also I think hurting Ludwig’s leg is a recurring thing in my fics</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Tears</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I told ya he’d come here.”</p><p>“Ja, ja I now see you vere right. I just didn’t vant to believe somezhing made vith my DNA could be so stupid.”</p><p>Ludwig could barely register what they were saying. He was laying face down on the ground and had hit his head which sent him into a state of shock. The first thing he was able to process was the sharp pain in his leg. He tried to lift himself up, but to his surprise a boot stomped on his back to keep him in place.</p><p>“Now zhat’s vhat I call pathetic.” Heinz shrugged and dug his heel deeper into his back.</p><p>“Are ya done humiliating him? If not I’m going back to my room.” Sniper sighed, something about this felt wrong, but he owed the Doctor too many favors to count so he had to help him.</p><p>“Ja, I zhink I’m done for now.” He grinned as he carelessly pulled Ludwig off the ground.</p><p>“Do you need any help, Doc?”</p><p>“Of course not, he’s lighter zhan a feather.”</p><p>“Put me down.” Ludwig muttered, finally becoming more alert.</p><p>“Alvright.” Heinz snickered and dropped him.</p><p>“Is that really necessary?” </p><p>“Is experimenting on our team member really necessary, Sniper?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Zhat’s vhat I thought.” Heinz grabbed onto Luwig’s injured leg and dragged him forward to their base. It brought him such joy to feel him struggle and kick because in the end it was hopeless. His clone who desperately wanted control couldn’t even walk. It was refreshing to say the least.</p><p>Ludwig’s frustration was beyond words at this point. He wanted to scream, but every time he tried he would only receive a mouthful of dirt. His leg throbbed with pain and Heinz’s grip on it only increased. He had felt worse in the past so he kept fighting his captor with raw determination. However, willpower could only get him so far and in this case it was nowhere except where Heinz wanted him to be.</p><p>The ground changed from dirt and rocks to concrete as they entered the base. Heinz dismissed the Sniper from what Ludwig could tell. The panic of the situation he was in was finally beginning to set in. He was completely and utterly helpless. His leg felt like hot agony now and he could imagine the amount of pain he would feel if he dared to put any pressure on it and to make matters worse he had lost his glasses somewhere along the way which left him almost blind. Though, he wouldn’t show how scared he truly was, he had too much pride for that.</p><p>Heinz’s pace slowed once he made it to his lab. He could relax now that his victory was secured. This was going to be so much fun. It was surprisingly easy to subdue his clone. Strapping him down to the chair was less challenging than dragging him there. Ludwig had already exhausted himself and as a bonus he had a bloody nose and dirt covered practically every inch of his body. It was pathetic and hilarious at the same time, he completely forgot that they had almost identical faces.</p><p>“So, vhat do you intend to do vith me?” Ludwig intruded upon his mental celebration. </p><p>“Oh, you know I’m going to ask a few questions and if you fail to answer zhem… Vell you’re a smart zhing, I’m sure you can figure zhat out.”</p><p>“Ja, I can. Let’s get zhis over vith.”</p><p>“I’m glad ve finally agree on somezhing for once. Now please answer wisely, vhere is the remaining part of my Heavy?”</p><p>“I have no idea vhat you are talking about-”</p><p>“Liar!” Heinz shouted and swiftly brought a blow to his already damaged face, “Now, you are going to tell me vhere he is.”</p><p>More blood poured from his nostrils and his cheek stung, but it was nothing he couldn’t handle, “I said I don’t know.”</p><p>“Yes you do! Vhy else vould you come to zhe exact area vhere is body vas?”</p><p>“To retrieve some equipment I misplaced, I now realize it vasn’t vorth it now.”</p><p>Again, Heinz hit him in the face, this time much harder, “Zhat’s your last varning, answer honestly or I vill be forced to actually hurt you.” He hoped the clone would continue to lie.</p><p>“I’m not going to lie to you, I do not know.”</p><p>“Alvays making zhings difficult.” Heinz sighed and turned away to retrieve something with a wicked smile that Ludwig couldn’t dream achieving. <br/>“You’re zhe one who created all zhis extra work. Vhatever problem you made you should focus on fixing it instead of projecting your frustrations onto me.” Ludwig struggled against the restraints the moment he wasn’t looking.</p><p>“I am fixing zhe problem you created… and yes I admit I may be projecting just a little.” He returned his focus to Ludwig, poker faced once more and holding a pair of pliers. </p><p>Ludwig chuckled quietly, it was humorous to think that Heinz thought removing fingernails was something that would make him cry and beg for mercy. He survived electric shocks, floggings, and an overwhelming amount of broken bones in his lifetime. The bullet in his leg was nothing, but a slight sting now that he had gotten used to it and his damaged face was the last thing on his mind.  </p><p>“Vhat’s so funny?” </p><p>“Oh nozhing, nozhing at all.”</p><p>“I don’t believe you.” He yanked out his index finger nail.</p><p>    Surprisingly, Ludwig broke in a fit of laughter. It was nothing, all nothing and the fact that Heinz thought this could break him was hilarious. How could he of all people break something that was already broken.</p><p>    On the other hand, Heinz wasn’t sure if he could hate the creature more. The thing’s laughter was nothing except disrespect to the reason he existed, “SHUT UP!” He screamed at it, but it didn’t listen, it couldn’t hear him over its own heinous amusement. Heinz was fed up with it instantly and clamped his hand on its throat. It gaged, struggling to make more incessant noise, but the lack of oxygen exhausted it further, back into rational silence. Heinz reluctantly released it, he needed it alive for now.</p><p>    Ludwig sucked in as much air as he could. He knew exactly what happened, his reactions to extreme pain and fear were as unpleasurable to him as it was to Heinz, for different reasons of course. It left him numb, horrified, and no matter what he couldn’t stop laughing. It was useful on the battlefield at times, but not here. Right now he needed to keep level head more than anything, he needed to think his way out of this, there was always a way out, right? </p><p>Before any useful plans could come to mind another nail was ripped from its place. He bit the inside of his cheek. Another was removed, and then another and another until his entire left hand was a bloody mess while a chunk of flesh in his mouth was removed from its place.</p><p>“Are you ready to tell zhe truth or vill I have to do your ozher hand?”</p><p>Ludwig spat out the blood and flesh onto his shirt while staying perfectly silent.<br/>    Heinz grimaced and wiped it off the best he could, “I’ll take zhat as a no.”</p><p>    With each nail removed it drove him closer to his breaking point, still he wouldn’t allow himself to make any noise to indicate discomfort. He wouldn’t allow Heinz that satisfaction even as an ever growing part of him screamed for him to give up right then. </p><p>    “Vhat do you vant me to do next?”</p><p>    “I vant you to let me go.”</p><p>    “Fine, I’ll be creative on my own…” </p><p>    Apparently his creative process didn’t take very long. In a moment he wrapped Ludwig’s curl of hair around his finger and pulled it out in one quick motion. </p><p>    The smallest yelp escaped the clone, it scared him more than his laughter. At least the laughter could be considered disrespectful and triumphant, while this was a precursor to his failure.</p><p>    Heinz heard him, it was amazing how easily pulling hair sent it over the edge after it had been dragged through dirt and pulled nails that were still bleeding profusely. He wouldn’t let his excitement show just yet, he wouldn’t let any victory be premature, even when his patience was running thin.</p><p>    “Are you ready to tell zhe truth now?”</p><p>    “I have told you everyzhing.” </p><p>    This was becoming repetitive, something needed to be done to fix that. So Heinz retrieved his medigun. He’d be testing something for this purpose. He turned it on and a shaky, reluctant blue stream of light poured into Ludwig, but nothing was healed. It wasn’t going to fix anything, it would only keep him alive, no matter how extensive the damage to his body was. </p><p>    A shiver ran down Ludwig’s spine, he knew exactly what was going to happen to him. His body was going to be torn apart as an uncomfortable blue beam scrambled his senses. He clenched his jaw and closed his eyes tightly. To his surprise one of his eyes was forcibly opened by one hand and brutally removed by the other. He kicked his legs and hissed. Blood splattered out of the empty socket like tears. He wanted out, he wanted to disappear so desperately, but he couldn’t, not now. Despite his wishes an echo of laughter sounded in his throat. All of a sudden he felt something sharp plunge into his stomach.</p><p>    “STOP DOING ZHAT! NOZHING ABOUT ZHIS IS FUNNY! YOU HURT MIKHAIL FOR NO REASON!” He screamed as he twisted the bone saw further into his stomach.<br/>    Ludwig was sent into another fit, except this time it was so much worse. He howled with laughter while real tears fell out of his remaining eye. He could feel his shredded intestines slipping out of him. Then Heinz did it again and again, until he could no longer laugh. In his broken mind he knew this should have killed him, the only thing keeping him alive was a machine. With his remaining strength he kicked and attempted to flail his arms in his agony. All it did was cause a few more of his internal organs to become more displaced.</p><p>    Heinz sighed, he needed to heal it to get any information out of it. He flipped a switch on his medigun and to his horror it flickered for just a second because a second was all it took. His clone was completely limp, the small amount of life it had left was gone in an instant. He screamed in frustration and tore the empty shell apart until it faded away.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>You all have permission to kick me in the shins</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Am I Bad?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ludwig knew this feeling all too well by now, his body being ripped apart and then forced back together again. He hated it, however this time it was welcomed. It meant he was free, he was going to be right back at his base. At least there he was safe.</p><p>    Being reunited with solid ground was completely jarring as well as expected. Everything was as it should be, expect a pain in his stomach and his vision was worse in one eye. The respawn system wasn’t without its flaws, especially when a battle wasn’t taking place. He groaned and barely managed to sit up. Everything ached especially his throat, his already impared vision kept getting worse, and then he realized why. He was still crying, he should not be crying, he wasn’t made to cry. It was understandable in the situation he was in, but not now. He was safe and in one piece. In an attempt to stop the tears he closed his eyes and tried to concentrate on something other than his most recent experiences until that was interrupted by familiar voices.</p><p>    “Is everything alright, Doc?” Scout asked followed by an anxious Engineer.</p><p>    “Yeah, I saw the respawn was used and that doesn’t normally happen on off days.”</p><p>    Ludwig flinched at the sudden noise and soon relaxed a little when he saw it was his colleagues, “J-ja, I had an accident zhat’s just left me shaken.” He attempted to stand, but his insides ached when he moved so he fell right back down.</p><p>    Dell rushed to his side and tried to support him, “Woah there, you should take it easy-”</p><p>    “DON’T TOUCH ME!” The Medic shoved him away, a few tears slipped from his eyes as he shrieked.</p><p>    “What the hell has gotten into you?” Dell raised his voice and nearly chewed him out, but he realized that was the last thing the Medic needed right now. He couldn’t remember Ludwig shedding a tear up until now, there had to be something more than a simple accident to make him act this way, “I’m sorry for yelling at you like that, just tell me what’s the matter.”</p><p>    “I told you it v-vas an accident, now please leave me alone.” Ludwig sniffled.</p><p>This time Jermey joined in and despite some of his word choices he sounded very emphatic,“Don’t give us that crap, Doc. We know you’re not okay, I knew it last night and I know even better now. So just tell us so we can try to help.”</p><p>“Nein! Zhere’s nozhing you can help me vith, I can fix zhis- zhere’s nozhing to fix. Zhe best zhing you can do to help me is to leave.” He covered his face with his hands before adding in a softer voice, “Please go avay, zhat’s all I vant.”</p><p>Jermey crouched down to his level, getting way too close for the doctor’s comfort, “First of all we’re not leaving you like this, you’re in real bad shape and second you gotta tell us what’s going on with you. You’ve been acting weird- well weirder than usual for months and now you’ve taken a straight nose dive in the past two days. And now you’re cryin, which is fine. It’s okay to cry sometimes, but it’s not like you.”</p><p>“Yeah, Doc you’ve got us worried. We care about you and if you’d tell us what’s upsetting you we’d help.”</p><p>“Neither of you un-understand zhat you are only making zhings vorse! I told you to leave me alone, VHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?” He screamed and lashed out at Jeremy. He slammed the young man to the ground in rough sudden movement. His face was red, covered in tears, and for a moment completely furious before dissolving into worry. He backed away, becoming more fearful by the second. </p><p>Jeremy recovered quickly and mumbled, “I’m okay,” to Dell so he wouldn’t worry too much. He started to approach Ludwig again, but the Engineer stopped him.</p><p> “You stay put, Scout. I can handle this.” Dell left him no opportunity to argue, already cautiously making his way toward the Medic.</p><p>“I’m s-sorry, I didn’t mean to,” Ludwig sobbed.</p><p>“We know you didn’t, you were just scared, right?”</p><p>“J-ja.”</p><p>“Can you tell us what's making you scared?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>“Because all of y-you vould h-hate me.” He whimpered.</p><p>Dell sighed and kneeled in front of him, it seemed safe enough to get close, “Listen, I don’t hate you, I never have and I doubt I ever will. And I’m not mad at you either, you just gotta calm down and stop making this a bigger deal than it is.”</p><p>“How d-do I do zhat?”</p><p>“Well first you take a deep breath in and you hold it for a couple seconds and then you let it out.” Dell showed him how and Ludwig mimicked him to the best of his ability. He was willing to do anything to stop feeling like this, embarrassing breathing exercises included, “And now you just gotta try to think happy thoughts, like uhhh your birds.”</p><p>“J-ja, zhey are nice to zhink about.” He replied with the tiniest smile, but it disappeared as quickly as it arrived. His hands acted like they were about to reach out for something, but he quickly stopped himself and folded them together.</p><p>“Do you want a hug?”</p><p>“Nien! Of course not,” He sniffled, “It’s very immature, especially n-now I’ve made a f-fool of myself....” He hesitated a moment and then asked what he was wondering about, it made him feel incredibly stupid, “Is zhat z-zhe zhing vhere you hold each other vith y-your arms?”</p><p>    “Yeah.” He was a little stunned when Ludwig rapidly pulled him in a tight hold that could hardly be called a hug. It was slightly hard to breath and Ludwig had pinned his arms to his sides so he couldn’t properly hug him back. The man was in awful shape as well, he was beyond skinny and his breathing was still far from normal. Despite that he wasn’t about to say anything about it just yet, “Are you feeling any better?”</p><p>    “Ja, I zh-zhink so… zhank you.” He released Dell and briefly glanced up at Jeremy who was now leaning against a wall. He didn’t seem to be hurt, but with his blurred vision it was hard to tell. </p><p>    “Don’t mention it, but uh you still gotta tell us what’s been going on, I know it might be hard and all, but it’ll help. I promise.”</p><p>    “I know, it’s just- I didn’t zhink- no I-” He sighed. Dragging this on longer was illogical and making this worse. Lying would only dig himself further in the pit while telling the truth might just fix things, with the exception of Spy mocking him, it wouldn’t surprise him if he was watching them right now, “I vill try to explain everyzhing zhe best I can, it is complicated zhough.”</p><p>    “A lotta things are.” Dell assured him.</p><p>    With that Ludwig took a deep breath and told him everything he knew. The way he explained things was odd, out of order, and included an excessive amount of unnecessary details. In spite of that, Dell managed to understand most of it. If it was any other person he wouldn’t have believed them, however Ludwig was not like anyone else. He was a genius, a tortured and brilliant one at that. What he did was horrifying as it was incredible, but at the end of the day this was eating Ludwig alive and it needed to end as soon as possible. </p><p>Jeremey picked up on a few things, mainly the living decapitated head inside a cabinet, though there were other things as well. The brief talk about a nightmare that brought Ludwig to the kitchen early in the morning was something that stuck with him. It was no wonder why he nearly strangled him, he was scared, he had always been scared. Every time he went into his insane laughter fits that gave him the creeps or his fits of anger on the battlefield, was all of that his fear too? What truly made him angry was Heinz, it seemed the guy hated him for being his clone, which was stupid. Jeremey never held anything against his clone besides a baseball bat at times and usually he did his best to avoid him in battle, something about killing someone with his own face never settled well with him. Heinz on the other hand enjoyed beating Ludwig into the dirt which disgusted the Bostonian. </p><p>“That’s… that’s a lot.” Dell said, incredibly dumbfounded.</p><p>“J-ja.”</p><p>“Well I think I gotta plan to fix this.”</p><p>“Already?”</p><p>“They didn’t make me an engineer for nothin.” He smiled at him briefly and got up, “Scout, you stay with him. The last thing he needs is to go back in his lab or be alone, get him somewhere more comfortable and I’ll get everything back to normal.”</p><p>“Vait if you’re zhinking about going in my lab you should probably take this.” He tugged off his coat then handed it to him, “My birds might not peck your eyes out zhen.”</p><p>Dell thanked him and was off at the quickest walking speed his short legs could go. That left Jeremy and Luwig alone together, which was surprisingly nice. Jeremy helped Ludwig to his feet and started rambling on about all kinds of things in hopes to help ease the Doctor’s mind as he guided him to his room. For once Ludwig was truly grateful for the chatter along with his presence. Whenever he tripped Jeremy helped him and his overabundant thoughts were halted for the time being, it made him feel good. Was this what the start of a friendship with another human felt like? </p><p>“-so that’s when the weird alien guy shows up where the dudes got teleported and he’s huge! Now that one scientist is freakin out and it’s freakin hilarious and the dudes run around the floating island and find another teleporter- oh look we’re at my room already. You’ve never been in here before, have you?”</p><p>“I don’t believe I have.”</p><p>“Well it’s your lucky day!” Jermey opened the door to reveal a messy room covered head to toe with posters and comic books. To Ludwig it smelled rancid, but he could put up with it and its mess. </p><p>“Ja, very lucky.” He chuckled nervously.</p><p>Jeremy smiled and practically dragged him in, shut the door behind them, and flopped down on his bed, “So where was I?”</p><p>“Zhey find anozher teleporter.” He was not about to touch that smelly mattress the Scout was sprawled over.</p><p>“Oh yeah and then they go to a bunch of different places with it and well I don’t wanna spoil the entire thing because we’re going to watch it!” </p><p>“Ve’re going to vhat?”</p><p>“We’re going to watch all of the first season of All Dogs go to Heaven Two!” Jermey excitedly got up and turned on his tv on, “I got the whole thing saved on here and I know you’ll love it, it has a bunch of sciency things in it.”</p><p>“Alvright.”</p><p>“C’mon man, be a bit more enthusiastic and while you’re at it sit down, it won't kill ya.”</p><p>Ludwig’s instincts told him otherwise, but he did anyway. Jermey got the show started and was overly enthusiastic about, constantly checking if Ludwig was watching it. He was, though when the scenes got slow his mind would wander, mainly to Misha. He worried about what Dell was going to do to ‘fix things’ and if it could make this worse for him. He didn’t like the way it felt to think about the situation. Besides it didn’t do him any good to worry, he should just focus on the show and Jermey. Those were the two most important things at the current moment and it made him feel good. </p><p>The show was a little odd to him, it was mainly jokes he didn’t understand and a lot of science that was very wrong. Jeremy seemed to think it was the funniest thing on earth and laughed on average of every five seconds. Ludwig would chuckle when he did to humor him even if he had no idea what the joke was supposed to be. As time went on he could see the sun was setting through Scout’s window, it made him nervous that Dell hadn’t come for them yet and the show was seemingly coming to a close.</p><p>“Jeremy?”</p><p>“Wait, we're almost at the best part.”</p><p> Ludwig sighed before turning his attention back to the tv. The villain seemed to be going on a rant of some sort, none of it mattered all that much to Ludwig until he said, “So I didn't, I didn't have a big plan! I was 'sposed to be nice but you forced me to be BAAAAD so I gonna be baad.” The villain sounded angry and sad, even though he could hardly take much of this seriously, the line made him feel pity for him. </p><p>Soon the series was finished and it was late in the evening. Ludwig could feel exhaustion weighing on him along with hunger. His own stomach was growling fiercely, so much so Jermey could hear.</p><p>“I’ll go get ya somethin, Doc. You can stay here. You like chips don’tcha?”</p><p>He gulped and nodded, eating something that unhealthy was definitely something he wasn’t fond of, although it had been a while since he consumed something that provided actual sustenance. Besides there was no stopping Jeremy who was already jogging down the hall. The brief time he was alone he looked at some of the posters on the wall to distract himself. Despite his poor vision he was able to see they mainly depicted Tom Jones, comic book characters, and an assortment of young women in somewhat revealing outfits. Then there was one poster that depicted the same villain from the show they just watched. Was he really forced to be bad or did he choose it? </p><p>“Okay, pal. I got us three kinds because I don’t know which ones you like,” Jeremy announced as he came back in while carrying three big bags of chips. </p><p>“Zhank you, Jeremy.” He replied, his tone sounded particularly depressed.</p><p>“Are you okay, what happened? I wasn’t gone that long.”</p><p>“Am I bad?”</p><p>“What? No, of course not.”</p><p>“Zhen vhy do I feel bad? Vhy do I do bad zhings?”</p><p>Jeremy put the chips aside and sat down by Ludwig, “Look I’m not an expert on these types of things, but just because you do something wrong doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Like look at me, I mess up at least five times a day and I’m still awesome. And earlier you were crying and that shows you feel sorry for what you did and that means you’re really not that awful.”</p><p>“I suppose you’re right… I just don’t like feeling like zhis.”</p><p>“No one does, but trust me it’s good you do. The people who don’t feel bad are the ones you gotta watch out for.”</p><p>Ludwig nodded, he resumed looking down at his hands. He seemed so far away in his mind it made Jermey worry. He poked him a couple of times to get him to snap him out of it.</p><p>“J-ja? Vhat is it?”</p><p>“Do you want some chips now?”</p><p>“Sure.”</p><p>Jeremy opened all three of the bags and started munching on them right away. Ludwig was a bit more hesitant, but once he started eating it was impossible to stop. He was convinced that they were laced in some sort of drug. Though their eating came to a halt when there was a knock at the door.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I apologize for the hlvrai references I can’t help myself also haha 69 kudos.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Drowning</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I got it,” Jermey said through a mouthful of chips as he got up. Just as he expected it was Engie, but someone else was there too.</p><p>    “Good evening, gentlemen.” Spy announced, sounding more smug than usual.</p><p>    To that, Jermey promptly shut the door in his face, “No, we are not dealing with that tonight.”</p><p>    “How about never again?” Ludwig remarked.</p><p>    “I like the way you think, Doc.” He proceeded to lock the door while chuckling to himself before going over to Ludwig and offer him a high five.<br/>
Ludwig was completely lost until he remembered the meaning of the gesture and gave him a very pitiful high five in return, “Did I do it right?” He asked nervously.</p><p>    “Uh yeah sure.”</p><p>    “I’m glad you’re having a good time fellas, but could you please open the darn door.” Dell insisted, sounding irritated.</p><p>    That got their attention, Ludwig shot up as straight as a rod and Jeremy immediately answered the door with a more pleasant expression. </p><p>    “What’s up, buddy?” </p><p>    “Well we got some news.”</p><p>    “Ja, vhat is it? Is Misha okay- I mean are you okay, how is everyzhing?” Ludwig corrected himself and tried to appear innocent, however his nervous laughter gave him away.</p><p>    Dell ignored it and started his explanation, “Well I got him out of your lab, the birds were a bit of trouble, but my eyes are still intact. Then I got Spy to bring him back to his base-”</p><p>    “Right at their Doctor’s door, might I add.” The Frenchman said with a huge grin on his face.</p><p>    “That’s right, Spy. Thank you for contributing,” Dell sighed, “As I was saying he brought him back to his base and took his sweet time and soon after we got a call from Admin telling us the Blus took off the battle for tomorrow and now we’re here.”</p><p>    “So we get a day off?” Jermey asked.</p><p>    “Yes, Scout we get a day off.”</p><p>    “Sweet! See, Doc there’s nothing to worry about.”</p><p>    Ludwig nodded and looked down at his hands once more with that same distant expression. His next words didn’t even sound like himself, “Vhy did you not tell me if he vas okay?”</p><p>    “Well uh he kinda opened his eyes for a second and then well-” Dell explained, but was interrupted again by Spy.</p><p>         “He never did anything else. I would say you effectively killed him so if that was your goal congratulations and if not at least you got the fat man to lose some weight.” He then burst into a harsh laughter, he seemed to be so pleased with himself.</p><p>    Ludwig turned a shade of white not thought to be humanly possible, he began trembling as tears formed in his eyes. He hadn’t felt anything near this since he killed the scientist, however this was worse. If he had been distant earlier he was practically on another planet now and he didn’t know if he ever wanted to come back to the present. He could hear far off yelling, most likely Dell and Jeremy scolding Spy for his harsh words. It was nice to know they cared, but he didn’t think defending himself was necessary, he deserved every harsh word, every cruel beating, and every terrible feeling that he received. This was all his fault. He hadn’t progressed his research because of this, if anything he regressed into something that he couldn’t stand more than what he’d been previously. </p><p>    It felt as if he were drowning and yet, the liquid he was submerged in nourished him. It was a familiar feeling, nothing and everything surrounded him all at once. The world was dark, he hadn’t opened his eyes yet. He had no idea how much he had missed this feeling and everything it stood for until now. It meant safety and warmth, he hadn’t felt such peace until he left this place. He would have been content to stay there forever, but then it all began to slip away, his eyes opened, he never felt this cold, and the pain in his chest was unbearable. He wanted to scream, but he couldn’t make a sound. All that he could show for his distress were tears. </p><p>No one was yelling any more, in fact everything seemed to be muted. With two of his senses impared he was left with a limited understanding of what was going on around him. He was sitting down and his face was wet with what he assumed was tears. His chest pulsed with an agony that dulled every other sensation. Through it he was only able to feel a small sensation of warmth on his shoulder. It must have been hand due to the way it moved on occasion. He turned to look at the blurred blob that was actually Dell. If he squinted hard enough he could just make out his features. </p><p>It was all so overwhelming he just couldn’t take it anymore. He buried his face in his hands in an attempt to relieve some of his stress, but his hearing was already returning. Nothing Dell said was upsetting, in fact it was quite soothing. That combined with his hand lightly running up and down his back was almost enough to put him to sleep. Almost wasn’t enough though. His heart ached too much to let him rest for even a second. More tears spilled from his eyes as he sobbed.</p><p>“I’m n-not good, I’m bad. I don’t- I don’t understand vh-vhy I- I do zhis.”</p><p>“Now don’t be silly, you aren’t bad. Just a little unwell, that’s all.”</p><p>“I am b-bad, n-not sick. Zhis is all my f-fault an-and I can’t say sorry be-because I killed him!”</p><p>“Don’t you listen to a word Spy said, I’m sure he’ll be fine.”</p><p>“How do y-you know?”</p><p> “I really don’t I just have a feeling, but I do know for sure getting yourself worked up all over again isn’t going to do a single good thing for anybody.” </p><p>“If it’s not g-good zhen vhy does it keep happening?” Ludwig whimpered as he slowly shrunk in on himself. </p><p>“Cause you’re upset and you don’t know how else to feel better.”</p><p>“Zhis isn’t making anyzhing feel better.”</p><p>“Well it made Spy leave you alone, that helps.”</p><p>“Ja.” </p><p>“And it got all of us to shut up, I am really sorry for all the yelling. I was just mad for you I guess.”</p><p>“Zhat’s okay.”</p><p>“Good… is there anything else I can do to help.”</p><p>Ludwig peered up at him, his eyes made it apparent he was incredibly nervous, “Could ve d-do one of zhose hug zhings again?”</p><p>“Of course.” Dell waited to be tackled again, but nothing of the sort happened. Instead Ludwig waited, looking more awkward and embarrassed by the second, “Come here,” Dell requested kindly. </p><p>He nodded and inched towards him and the moment he was in Dell’s embrace he felt more tears well up in his eyes. He couldn’t stop feeling he was doing something wrong, his guilt weighed on him in everything he did. Not only for Misha, but for things he couldn’t quite remember. He wasn’t supposed to feel comfortable or safe and yet this was all he ever really wanted. For someone or something to care about him, to be proud of him, to protect him. Despite all his yearning for it, he couldn’t believe that he deserved it, especially now that he ruined everything. In his mind Dell didn’t see him as a person, just a thing to be pitied and what a pitiful thing he was, clinging to one of the few people he consistently liked. Soon Ludwig stiffened and pulled away, his eyes filled with tears that he refused to shed. </p><p>“Zhank you… and if you d-don’t mind could I go to my room? I zhink I have a spare pair of glasses in zhere.</p><p>“Oh! Yeah definitely. Don’t take too long though. I’d like to talk to you in a bit, okay?”</p><p>“Ja, absolutely… vhat do you vant to talk about?”</p><p>“Don’t worry about it right now, just get your glasses. I promise it's nothing bad.”</p><p>“Okay, I understand.” Ludwig nodded and left. His legs weren’t nearly as shakey as before and his room wasn’t too far away. In a way it was a relief to be alone once he closed the door behind him. The room wasn’t as terrible as he once believed especially when there were places that were so much worse to be.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Don’t worry guys it’s all good everything is going to be all dandy and fine (after just a tad bit more of angst) I promise it’s all going to be great-</p><p>Oh yeah I’m going to school full time again so updates may take longer or shorter. It depends on how I feel and how much work the teachers give me.</p><p>One more thing YOU MOTHER FUCKERS I DO NOT BELIEVE NO ONE NOTICED I WAS SPELLING THE TITLE WRONG SINCE THE BEGINNING HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME I’VE BEEN DROWNING IN MY SHAME SINCE THE DAY I REALIZED IT WAS WRONG AND AS FOR THE REST OF YOU WHO DIDN’T NOTICE it’s cool man thanks for reading AND AGAIN FOR THOSE OF YOU DID I still thank you for reading my fic you still really swag.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. It Will Pass</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The number of stitches, medical staples, and injections Heinz had to use was ridiculous as it was infuriating. None of this had to happen, it wasn’t supposed to happen. There were so many things he could have done differently, but it truly wasn’t his fault, it was that clone. That abomination of stolen deoxyribonucleic acid and terrible operant conditioning was out to ruin everything. </p><p>    Despite how furious he was, he did feel some satisfaction, in a way he had won. What had been stolen was returned to him, but he was left to clean up the mess and what a mess it was. It was almost over though, for some reason fury tended to make him better at his work and make it go by quickly. Honestly, the most difficult part of this would be waiting for Mikhail to wake up. </p><p>“Hi, darling,” Charles said meekly as he entered. He respected his demand to be left alone to do his work for a couple of hours and now they had passed he was starting to worry.</p><p>Heinz sighed and rolled his eyes, “Hello, Charles. Checking in on me is very kind of you, but as you can see I am very busy so you should leave”</p><p>“Well I was just wondering about you and I think you should take a break.”</p><p>For a moment it felt as if the entire world held its breath. Heinz turned away from the body he was piecing back together to a thing he was ready to tear apart, “Take a break? You vant me to take a break!”<br/>“I just thought-”</p><p>“Your zhinking is delusional as ever!”</p><p>“But I-”</p><p>“I told you to leave, stop vasting my time!”</p><p>Charles finally did as he was told. There was no changing Heinz’s mind so what was the point in trying to argue if all it did was hurt. Maybe Heinz was right, maybe he was being delusional. He had gotten the time wrong before and there was a chance his mind was blowing the Medic’s reactions out of proportion. That was probably it, stress could be making things worse for him and Heinz was always nice from what he remembered. Still, his words hurt Charles terribly, leaving his heart aching as he went back to his room where he was greeted by meowing. </p><p>“Hey, buddy.” He said as he picked up the fluffy white cat who looked at him expectantly, “He’s still working, I’m sure he’ll be back soon.”</p><p>Harry gave him a sad look as he slumped into the Engineer’s arms.</p><p>“I know, he’s just not himself right now. It’s nothing either of us did.”</p><p>Are you sure about that?</p><p>Charles ignored the voice and sat down, keeping the cat safely in his arms.</p><p>Because it seems everything is your fault.</p><p>    If he kept ignoring it, it would go away.</p><p>    If you had just listened to him he wouldn’t be upset with you.</p><p>    It will pass.</p><p>    Stop being immature and talk to me.</p><p>    It’s not real.</p><p>    Say something!</p><p>    Just go away.</p><p>    ANSWER ME, CHARLES!</p><p>He opened his eyes with a jolt to the sound of hissing. His real arm was bleeding from a few cat scratches. He saw Harry cowering in the corner of the room. What on earth happened, what did he do? It was only a few moments, how could all this happen in a few moments. His breathing came quickly now and his heart pounded in his chest. Slowly, but surely he got himself up and went over to Harry. He knelt down and offered his robotic hand to him, not wanting to get blood on him.</p><p>“I-I’m sorry, it won’t h-happen again.”</p><p>At first he was reluctant, but soon he came forward. Besides the cat had been through worse than being held too tightly and you had to be very forgiving with an owner like Heinz</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ah yes the reasons to hate Heinz just keep piling up.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. My Birds</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The search for a spare pair of glasses was taking longer than it should have been. Ludwig’s vision was especially awful with his watery eyes and he could only squint for so long. There was also a dread he felt when Dell said there was something he wanted to talk about. What on earth was that something? Yes, he did say it was nothing bad, but Dell’s version of bad and Ludwig’s version of bad could be very different at times. What if he was lying and actually did want to do something bad? Was he plotting to take away his birds or worse, make him watch the sports channel? Either way facing any of his teammates would be terrible, he could only imagine how awful it would be to see his own team’s Heavy. Although Ivan couldn’t possibly be too terrible, he rarely spoke or saw anyone since… Well, Ludwig didn’t want to think about what happened to Ivan, it was very likely to be his future if anyone told Administration about what he’d done. </p><p>Finally, he found a pair of glasses that were tucked out of the way, they were slightly too small for his face, but that would get better over time. With his vision returned, so did a little bit of his confidence. Emphasis on a little because his anxiety was nearly uncontrollable. However, keeping his feelings in check was something he believed he had gotten quite good at, and earlier was just a slight mishap. A talk with Dell couldn’t possibly be too taxing, he tended to find his company enjoyable.</p><p>    To his knowledge, Dell was most likely in his workshop so that’s where he went, but to his concern, he wasn’t there. He did not want to risk anyone seeing him, they were going to ask him questions he was not prepared to answer. However, he did not want to go back to his room so maybe Jeremy would be in his room. When he got there the door was closed, but he could hear voices behind it. Without a doubt it was Dell and Jeremy and by their tone of voice they sounded serious. Instead of knocking he pressed his ear against the door out of curiosity. </p><p>    “-I just don’t know about this, Engie. He’s gonna be pissed.”  </p><p>    “Of course he’s not gonna like it, but it’s better than telling Helen about any of this.”</p><p>    “Yeah, I know so why don’t you just do this whole thing by yourself. It’s not that hard.”</p><p>    “Have you met Ludwig?”</p><p>    “Okay, okay so maybe it’ll be a little hard, but you’re good at fixing things and I’m not. It’ll probably go better without me.”</p><p>    “You don’t give yourself enough credit and besides he’s opened up to you, I’m sure he’ll listen to what you have to say.”

</p>
<p>    “No he won’t, the only things he actually listens to are those sky rats and I don’t speak bird. I think it’d be better if we left him alone, he shouldn’t be forced to do anything by any of us.”</p><p>    “Leaving him alone is what we’ve been doing and look how that’s turning out. He’s gone crazier than when he first got here!”</p><p>    “Okay first of all he’s not crazy and second he’s gonna hate the person who tells him what to do and I don’t want him to hate me. If he wants to eat breakfast with the team or watch movies with me that’s fine, but you should not make him do any of those things. That’ll just make him not wanna be around us more. Do you really want to make him hate us?”</p><p>“It’s not like that, he won't hate us. Yeah he might be mad, but he’ll get over it. Besides he’s been through worse, I’m sure eating actual food and being more social won’t hurt him. Speaking of which I thought he’d come find us by now, I’ll go get him.”

</p>
<p>Ludwig backed up before he froze as Dell’s footsteps came closer to the door. He would most likely be upset with him for eavesdropping and punish him even more. So he pretended he had just arrived, walking forward as casually as he could.</p><p>“Well look at you getting here in the nick of time, I was about to come find you.” Dell suddenly sounded more cheerful.</p><p>“I’m glad I could make somezhing convenient for you today.”</p><p>“Yeah and now gotta make something else easy and I know you might not like what I’m about to say, but I need you to listen, okay.”<br/>

“Ja.” Ludwig replied quickly. He was incredibly nervous from listening to their conversation and what it could mean for himself, but from what he heard he guessed it wouldn’t be awful.</p><p>“You’re going to need-”</p><p>“And remember,” Jeremey interrupted, “I’m not the one doing this so don’t get mad at me, get mad at him. I’m not the one screwing everything up this time.”</p><p>Dell paused a moment, it was clear by his expression that he was sick and tired of being interrupted, “As I was sayin’, you’re going to need some sort of schedule in the future, that means you can’t be in your lab for hours on end-”</p><p>“B-but my birds are in zhere and zhey miss me, I can’t leave zhem alone in zhere and I-I vell I…” His panic turned into embarrassment. His birds would be fine as long as he fed them, they didn’t need him for much other than that, “I am sorry, please continue.”</p><p>Dell was ready to snap, but he kept himself in check for Ludwig’s sake. He appeared to be beyond the state of uncomfortable, fearful even. It was nothing short of a miracle the man hadn’t locked himself in his room, “I know you love your birds and I’m not sayin’ you can’t see them. I’m just telling you to spend a little less time in there, you understand?”</p><p>“Ja.” </p><p>“There’s another thing and I don’t know if you’re doing it on purpose or not, but I’ve been watching you shrink for a while now and it’s worrying me, Ludwig. So I’m asking you to eat one actual meal a day, do you think you can do that?”</p><p>Ludwig’s face became pale, he almost looked like he could be sick. He swallowed and nodded, trying his best to keep any irrational fears out of his mind, “Can I leave now?”</p><p>“Yeah, you can go. Just don’t do anything reckless.” When he thought Ludwig wasn’t looking he gave Jermey an ‘I told you so’ smirk and the young man responded by rolling his eyes.</p><p>“I von’t.” Ludwig mumbled as he left. He wasn’t planning on doing anything, except seeing his birds. </p><p>“Hey, wait up man.” Jeremy said while he followed behind him, “You don’t have to do any of that stuff if you don’t want to, I can help you get out of this.”</p><p>“No, it’s fine. Zhis isn’t anyzhing I can’t handle.”</p><p>“Are you sure because you don’t look too happy about it.”</p><p>“I don’t have to be happy about anyzhing, I made a mistake and I should deal vith zhe consequences.”</p><p>“If you say so… Is there anything you want to do now? We can watch more tv if you want.”</p><p>“I zhink I vould like to be alone for vhile… maybe later.”</p><p>“Okay, well I’ll see ya later.”</p><p>Ludwig just walked away, he wanted to say something nice, but he couldn’t come up with any words. It wasn’t long before he was back at the entryway to his lab. It felt like a pit had opened up in his stomach. He shuddered and felt he should run away, he refused though. All he wanted was to be with his birds, he would feel better if he could be with them, even if only for a short amount of time. So he managed to make himself go inside and the moment he closed the door behind him his legs felt weak. He leaned back against the door and slowly sunk to the ground. Not only his legs felt fatigued, now everything in him felt so unbelievably weak, he couldn’t ignore it no matter how much he wanted to be with his birds. His eyes blurred as a suffocating feeling came over him. Soon he curled up, bringing his knees into his chest, bending his head down and covering any visible area of his face with his hands.</p><p>Archimedes was the first one to greet him as usual. The dove landed on the top of one of his knees. He remembered Ludwig shutting down like this before, though it had been a long time the bird still knew what to do. He cooed to get his attention and when that didn’t work he hopped to his shoulder to nestle up to the side of his neck. Still, Ludwig wouldn’t react and so out of desperation he pecked him a few times and still there was nothing so the bird went to pry his hands away from his face which proved to be an easier task than expected. </p><p>Ludwig’s expression was completely void of any feeling, it was unsettling to say the least, however Archimedes was not discouraged in the slightest. So he did something he truly did not want to do, but he felt it was absolutely necessary. He hopped up on Ludwig’s head and tugged on his curl of hair. In an instant Ludwig jolted and yelped, hitting himself where Archimedes once was. The dove had swiftly dodged his hand and landed onto his shoulder. Satisfied with his work, Archimedes settled down and waited for Ludwig to come to his senses, well what littles senses he had left.</p><p>“Vhat? Vhy did you… oh…” He mumbled as he turned his head to face Archimedes. His eyes were glassy and unfocused no matter how much he wanted them to work correctly. He couldn’t find the energy, “Zhat vasn’t necessary.” He muttered as he closed his eyes, “Now I vant you to know I am just resting my eyes and if I somehow fall asleep, vake me up.”</p><p>    Archimedes cooed back in agreement, however when Ludwig fell asleep he did nothing to wake him up. It was apparent by everything about him that he needed more rest.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Anyway I posted this impulsively cause I need some dopamine rn. Sorry for the delays I’m just a bit swamped with school. Thank you so much for reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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